One of my favorite bloggers Ryan over at http://pacingthepanicroom.blogspot.com/ is currently having an amazing contest all based around a book trailer he recently did.
The prize is a seriously drool-worthy Elemental Land Camera that I would love love love to have as well as a copy of the book Instant Love! Fingers crossed.
I spent a beautiful day with my mom on Mothers day. I picked her up and we went for the most relaxing drive up 410. I spent yesterday putting together a special picnic lunch, the same picnic lunch she would often make for us. I stopped the car at a viewpoint and we hiked a little ways into the trees until we found two perfect little logs next to each other and ate in the quiet peacefulness that is nowhere. After lunch we drove some more, looking at the endless hues of green and feeling the hot spring sun on our skin. It was one of the nicest days we have had in a long time.
It was mothers day and even though my pockets were empty I put a lot of thought into what I could do to make this day special for her. I used the same thought process that she has used all these years and passed on to me. It is not about money spent or hoops jumped through it is about kind gestures and thoughts of the person it is intended for.
As I was driving with the windows down and the fresh air whipping through our hair I briefly thought of how much our lives have changed. I saw a car jam packed full of our family, out for a ride just like we were doing now. And with a snap the silhouette that was my brother disappeared out of his seat. Next was my dad whose seat was left empty, and then like a florescent light on its last leg, my sister flickered for a long time and then her seat too, was left empty. All that is left of the family I was born with is my mother and I. Holding on to each other like we are the last people on earth and really, on the private planet that belongs to each family- we are.
It is really no secret that the relationship my mother and I share is often strained. It is complicated and often challenging but I hold my mother closest to my heart and I will never let her go. We have gone months without talking on more then one occasion and my heart ached each day that passed. But as the years go by those days of separation become fewer. Part of it I think is my growing up. Part of it is the increased effort of tolerance on both of our parts but most of all I think we both really see now more then ever that the love we have for each other far outweighs any conflict we could ever have.
As I grow older I see more of my mother in me then ever before. When I look in the mirror I see her when I never did before. We have the same knack for cooking and entertaining, the same creativity while hers is demonstrated by painting, sewing and endless crafting, mine is shown through photographs and writing. We share the same crooked smile and too loud laugh. But most of all, we share the same heart. The way we express our feelings and our care can often be polar opposites but under the surface they beat the same. As each year passes I see myself listening more intently to her words, taking intentional mental snapshots to always remember these times with her. My biggest fear in the world is losing her too soon. I pray to God each and every day that he gives me many, many more years with her.
I want my mother to be proud of me, to see that the values and talents that she shared with me all my life were listened to and put to good use. I pray that she is there on my wedding day, on the birth of each of my children and thee as they each grow. I know that I am not the first daughter to ever declare during their childhood that “I will never be like her!” only as an adult change that to “I am honored to be like her.” My mother is the strongest most beautiful woman I will ever know and I wish that everyone could see what I see when I look at her. I try my hardest to be a light in her often difficult world. Out of three children two have grown into people she never could have imagined. One walked out of her life seventeen years ago never to be heard from again. And the other while physically very close is so absent even her own brain doesn’t know who she is. I am her last chance, her last hope to be included in the adult life of one of her children. I want to give her that more then anything. Each person is given one life and one mother and what you chose to do with that will forever stay with you. Someday I hope to be able to help her financially to a point that she can worry less and enjoy more of this time in her life. But until I am able to do that I will try my damnedest to make sure she feels loved, wanted and cared for.
My favorite Incubus song! If I don’t get to see them when they come to Tacoma next month I will not be happy! And if I do get to see them, I’ll immediately hump Brandon Boyd s face off 
This picture was taken almost 2 years ago and without even having to close my eyes I can feel with such intensity what it was like, how I felt, what the sun felt like shining on me through the window. How sticky and hot it was that day, what I was looking at on the computer [Craigslist], everything…
Browsing through my picture files I scroll over this picture and stop dead in my tracks. The vivid memories this summoned up so quickly it knocked me off my tracks. Pictures can convey many feelings for me but this one, this one is different. I look at this picture and the smell of that room washes over me, not bad just… foreign. This was on the bed in the room of my friends parents house. The room that I stayed in for 2 months after I broke up with my ex, the room where I have never felt so lost. Emotionally, mentally, physically every which way I was beaten and tired. Looking at this picture gave me memories to realize just how different my life is now compared to then. Two years to change and grow. Two years to live and find love. Two years to change your outlook, your views, your opinions, your very being.
Leaves me speechless.
I have become a huge fan of folk music over the past couple of years. Which really comes as no surprise to me as I am my fathers daughter whether I like it or not. Always growing up my dad exposed me to music. All different kinds of music, some I hated at the time and some I loved and for reasons I really couldnt put my finger on. One of those loves was oddly enough, bluegrass. I LOVE bluegrass and I can’t explain why. There is something so powerful about bluegrass music and of course, folk would be a cousin of bluegrass.
I had heard of the head and the heart and heard one of their songs before I went to a concert with my best friend and The Head and the Heart opened. The sound of their music filling the arena was so powerful I can’t even describe it. The voice that comes from that woman could move an ocean. One of the most exciting things about the rise of folk music recently is that it has exposed the world to so many different amazingly beautiful woman singers! It is really sad when you think of the major artists centered in the alternative/folk/indie rock circle and their are so few woman! So hearing the woman finally sneaking their way in and sharing their talents is really a wonderful thing!
This is one of my favorite Head and the Heart songs beautiful music, beautiful lyrics.
Tell me somethin’, give me hope for the night
We don’t know how we feel
We’re just prayin’ that we’re doin’ this right
Though that’s not the way it seems
I have been home unemployed for less then a week and I have gone through so many emotions I would rival any schizophrenic. Above all an overwhelming undertone of loser-dom is at the top of my list. I feel like a failure, like a loser, incompetent, incapable, bad, wrong, etc. I have spent a lot of time laying awake, beating myself up, getting stoned out of my mind so that I can feel something other then self hatred. I’ve been eating like a bulimic minus the throwing up and smoking like its going out of style. I’ve been waiting anxiously on the edge of my chest just waiting to hear if I will be approved for unemployment or if I will be left with no income at all. I got word today that the claim is one step closer. Still not approved, but on its way. For some reason I woke up today and when I opened my eyes I felt like today needed to be different. I got my final paycheck today which was more then I expected, my roommate and best friend came home from her weeks vacation, word from unemployment that I was one step closer. Today it felt a little easier to breathe.
And that is when I decided that tomorrow, I begin to reclaim myself. I allow myself a week to feel at my lowest, to beat myself up and ask why me and try to process what happened and ask what to do next. But now that week is coming to an end and I am determined to make the absolute best I possibly can out of this situation. I would hardly say that getting fired is a gift, but sometimes you can turn it into one. It is no secret that I don’t like to work. I never have and I probably never will. I have enjoyed jobs, I have excelled and succeed but I have never stop living in dream land and started living in career mode. I do not feel personally satisfied and successful when I am rewarded at work, I feel my success from taking a great picture or cooking a great meal or staying up laughing all night with my best friends over nothing. I feel successful with my hand intertwined with my Micheal’s, with weaving imperfect words perfectly together, 0r in a 100 degree room locked in the tree pose. These are all things that make me feel alive and happy and right. These are the things I want to pursue in life and all things that normally have to go on the back burner when im burnt out from working a full time job.
I am a person that is easily satisfied with a roof over my head, love in my life, passion in my heart and empty pockets. Sure, I like money. Who doesn’t? But money does not define me. It does not drive me, money is a necessary evil that I enjoying taking a part in when I am so lucky as to have some. Enough money to cover my basics and have a little left over is fine by me. Which is why if my unemployment is approved and I am able to cover the necessary needs I fully intend to go on some major soul searching. I need to create! I need to dig deep inside myself and push myself to be a better person. I need this time.
I am going to go get my camera out of pawn tomorrow. It has been there for almost a year and I have felt fully empty without it. Is now the best time to spend the money to get it out? Of course not, but I need it. I can’t imagine spending my summer unemployed with out it. I need to create, I need to document, I need to get back into something that fulfills me more then anything else. I am joining a gym and spending my days there instead of laying on my couch watching bad tv. I need to work the aggression out to allow my mind to be loose again. I want to push myself physically while growing mentally. I want my outside to match my inside, free, alive, young and capable. I want to start projects and actually finish them, I want to grow deeper in my love with Michael, I want to take our relationship to such great heights. I am going to make more time for my friends. Friends that I have not been very fair to recently, often ignoring calls and going weeks without seeing. These friends are friends that I have worked so hard for and I refuse to let our friendships go anywhere but up.
My hope is that if I spend this time that I have been given in a positive manner, learning, growing, searching that when the time comes to move on, to either enter school or find a new job that I will have a better grip on reality. That I will be able to devote myself more fully to a career without my heart aching to be out living life. I have been sitting here alone saying what do I do now? Where do I go from here? And to be completely frank, I have no fucking clue! I don’t know what to do from here. If I just went back to another job in the same industry, doing the same thing I’ve done for years all the while hating it inside, the outcome will be the same. I will be sitting here a few months from now in the same position saying how did I lose THREE jobs in two years? So I believe that I owe this to myself. To take some time out before I take my next step so that I can actually achieve what I know I am capable of.
