Your only as sick as your secrets

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It has been over a month since my last post and it is really alarming how quickly your life can nose dive from a 50 story building directly into the cement below. At some point I’ll delve into details that I’m not ready to explain and let you in on possibly the biggest secret ever in my life. But for now, while my life is in the midst of such chaos and such desperation I will stay quiet. I’ll pop back in here and hopefully soon start writing more consistently but right now I just need to take it a day at a time.

{TSF}

Down at the river

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Several weeks ago when the temperatures had hit triple digits Michael and I searched for relief from the heat in some form of water. I drove down to his mom’s house and he took me to the most amazing little spot off of a nearby river where we had to maneuver our way down the grassy bank to get to the shallow waters below. The day was absolutely beautiful and I will never forget the cool, clear water we sunk ourselves into, the slick moss covered river rocks under our feet, or the closeness I felt to him as we floated quietly next to each other not needing words to entertain ourselves. For most of it I swam topless and we laughed liked we were rebels with no cares in the world.

For the past week I have been living on the edge of a breakdown. Anxious, not sleeping, turning into a bitch that no one wanted to be around, I knew exactly what was going on as I’ve been through the same scenario many times before and so I was unsurprised when I was flung off the edge and thrown into an anxiety attack that threatened not only myself but Michael, and everyone else around me. I haven’t had a breakdown like that in a long time, and quite frankly the way that I treated Michael that night would give him license to walk away and never speak to me again and I couldn’t blame him. But he didn’t.

After his initial anger had subsided some he stayed with me and we talked honestly about what was going on and how we both felt about it. That night as we sat on his back porch under the stars as I cried until my eyes were swollen and painful I got a huge wake up call on how much I love this man and how I will do everything in my power to protect and grow that love. He is so unlike any man I’ve ever been involved with before. He is reassuring and supportive while being firm and unwavering which is something that I am not used to. I am used to being able to manipulate the person I am with to get what I want and being unable to do that with him is both extremely frustrating and so refreshing at the same time.

Michael is one of the most amazing men that I have ever had the pleasure of knowing, let alone sharing a relationship with and each day that goes by our relationship is strengthened. It is such a new experience for me to be in this perpetual process of learning and growing with each other. Since that night on his back porch my chest no longer feels like it is being gripped by a fist of doom, I feel more at peace then I have in too long and while I am obviously still stressed and anxious a renewed sense of hope has taken place in side of me again. I am more relieved then I could ever express.

That night as we laid in bed, him gently snoring next to me I got lost in that day at the river. Looking into his eyes as we stood at opposite ends of the bank brought this feeling that started in my stomach and radiated through my limbs, into my bones. I have found a man that is strong enough to be my rock yet sensitive enough to make my heart swell with happiness. And for that, I think I am pretty damn lucky.

{TSF}

What can I say that I haven’t said before?

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I’m finally able to blog after weeks with no internet and even though I’ve missed it I have sat here and stared at this screened trying to figure out exactly what to say. What can I say that I haven’t said before?

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I can say that August was a challenging month and September has started just as challenging. I was hoping that once September hit things might even out a little bit and maybe even start looking up, however that was just a foolish notion. The stress that I’ve felt wrapped around my neck the past five months has moved into me, through my body, into my bones. I feel lost and I am quickly losing hope.

I can say that I had my birthday at the end of August. The big 24. I laid in my bed the night before my birthday and I thought of what I have at the age of 24. And really, I have nothing. Yes I have a boyfriend, and a family, and my best friends but as far as personal accomplishments the list is pretty short. I am unemployed, I have no family of my own, I have no education, I have no money, I have nothing that I can say look! Look at what I’ve done! The next morning when I woke up, my cable and internet was shut off. Just what I needed.

I can say that as much as I appreciate the support from those around me, if one more person tells me it is going to get better I might punch them. Yes, sure things are going to get better however unless you can tell me a specific date and time I really have no interest in hearing it any more. “It’s just a funk”, “Your going through a hard time, but it will get better!”, “It could be worse!” and yes, while these things are most likely true it is hard to look at this time in my life as just a funk. This time in my life has been hell. It has dragged me through gravel and hung me off a cliff by my neck. It has bruised and beaten my confidence, my self worth, my pride, my integrity. This time has begun to make me turn on myself, to have feelings towards myself that I haven’t had in a very long time. Words from past others resonate in my head and it makes me sick to think that my life has turned this direction once again.

This last month has been hard. One thing after another. Get over one health scare? Here’s another one for you! Have a really awesome promising interview at a place that you would give a kidney to work at? NAH! Just kidding you don’t get the job! Short on money? Go ahead and do something really stupid to make it worse for yourself!

Sometimes when I sit alone at night and reflect on all that’s going on (or not going on) around me I think don’t fight it, because you deserve it. I think, stop trying to fight your genetics, your upbringing this is who your destined to be. I think those people were right, your never going to be anything anyways so why are you trying to fight it so hard? I feel useless, I feel hopeless, I feel like I have nothing to offer anyone.

ImageOh look little unsuspecting bird, life is about to eat you alive.

I can also say though, that of course everything is not all bad. I try to stay positive, God do I try. I try to look ahead, I search for jobs the hardest I can, I don’t let others see me cry, I try with all the strength that I have to improve my situation but it feels like when any one little sliver of hope is dangled in front of my face, it is ripped away faster then course hair in a waxing salon.

Later I will write about good things. Things that have made me smile recently, the people that help me get through the day to day. But today I just want to write this and leave it as true as I can to the way that I am feeling at this moment. At this moment when I feel like maybe the best thing for me to do would be to pack my car and leave this place and every one that I am bringing down in it. When I get to such a low point like this like I said, I turn on myself and I think that my presence is a burden on every one around me. And if theirs anything about these last five months that I hate the most, it is what it has done to me emotionally. Progress, and changes that have been unraveling one by one. I really don’t know much any more, the only thing I do know is I can’t continue like this. I need something, someone, to give me a chance. Give me some hope. Give me the opportunity to prove that I am a hardworking, independent woman who would do anything for those around her. But then that other part of me butts its head back in and whispers in my ear… why do you deserve a chance? Why do you do deserve anything? Nobody owes you a thing.

{TSF}

1,000 Internets (Music Edition)

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I was driving home today in the cool summer nights air when this song came on the radio. After a shitty day with really no end or solution in sight, when I felt so low and beaten down by life this song was the most perfect thing I could have heard. Since I moved out of the small town I grew up in with the endless deserted back rounds I haven’t gotten to drive without a destination in a long time. Sometimes there is no better comfort you can give yourself then the shelter from your own thoughts driving down a quiet road with nothing but you, your music, and perfect summer night air whipping through your body.

A soul in tension — that’s learning to fly
Condition grounded but determined to try
Can’t keep my eyes from the circling skies
Tongue-tied and twisted just an earth-bound misfit, I

Pink Floyd-Learning to fly

{TSF}

Is it my turn?

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After a long day of sweating a puddle onto my couch, feeling like I was literally melting off of my skeleton I decided to take a late night trip to my best friends house where the plan was to get really stoned and do a little gambling at the casino, you know, a usual Thursday night. However what should have been a lighthearted evening turned into one piece of bad luck after another. On my way to her house as I was driving on the freeway I drove under an overpass that at the exact moment in time a couple of little assholes decided to throw a small boulder off of, which came catapulting down several stories landing on the hood of my car. After I swallowed my heart back into my chest I took my exit and pulled over to survey the damage. Huge dent, covered in scrapes and perfectly aligned to where if I had I had driven by exactly .5 seconds later it would have crashed through my windshield and probably killed me. Great.

Lost my money at the casino. Awesome.

Get back into my car to drive home, headlight is out. COOL.

Today was really all about one blow after another. This whole month has been actually as I’m still recovering from a mysterious illness that landed me in the hospital five days ago, but that I have thankfully almost completely kicked.

Meanwhile my mom calls to tell me totally wonderful news that came through today. News that she has been waiting a long time for that she needs more then anything right now. I couldn’t be happier for her. My roommate just got an awesome promotion that she very much deserves and I am also so happy for her and my other best friend finally found a job that maybe she can enjoy enough to stay in for more then two months. I am happy for everyone but selfishly my subconscious stings just a little bit every time I hear good things happening to those around me while I am still stuck, life unchanged. Of course very shortly after having those feelings I feel immensely guilty for having them as each of these people are good, kind, deserving people who I love more then anything in this world.

“Pray all the time but especially when you are at your most desperate. God has never let me down. I may not have always agreed with his plan, but in the end I saw that it was always the right plan.” These words were from my mother to me today. We are not religious people, I have been to church just a handful of times but my mother has always instilled in me a strong faith. I do believe he is there listening, so I will continue to have hope that soon, my light will come.

I so desperately want to start working again, earning money and feeling useful again. This is really strange for me to be feeling as I have always been comfortable in the fact that I work because I have to not because I want to. I could be unemployed for the rest of my life if I won the lottery and would be perfectly happy until the day I died. But I can’t stand my pockets being empty anymore. There are more people then just myself counting on me and if I fail it is just a domino effect down the ladder and I feel that pressure in my veins each and every day. So tomorrow when the sun rises (or around noon, but who’s counting?) I’ll be back on the trail of each job lead that would be a good fit for me, hoping for the best, waiting for a call. Story of my life…

{TSF}

Dating with children (that arent your own!)

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Yesterday as I sat on her bed and listened to him read bedtime stories that had been read a thousand times before I felt like an outsider looking in on a life that was established a long time ago. I’ve known him for so long but suddenly he looked like a stranger to me, watching this side of him that I’ve never seen before. They were snuggled up, her with her blanket and him with his, working through a bedtime routine that is always done the same way only this time they had a visitor.

Michael has a five year old daughter and many years ago when I met her as just a baby, when him and his ex wife were still together and happy, when I met him as a friend of my boyfriends I never in a thousand years would have ever guessed that now, years down the line I would be finding myself in love with her just as much as I am in love with him. While Michael and I have been together for almost a year, I had only been around her a handful of times, both of us not wanting to make mistakes and move too quickly and end up hurting both her and us. But yesterday was the day. The sun was so hot it was impossible to stay cool, so he brought her to swim in our pool and have some lunch, neither one of us knew that we would soon be letting her in on the bond that we had formed. There were whispers between us what do I say? Is this the right time? What will she say? just do it! And giggles from her when finally I just said it What would you say if I told you I was your daddies girlfriend?

And after the longest pause of my life…

I would say that I like that.

It felt like the biggest weight off my shoulders but at the same time the weight was coming off my shoulders a new weight was already settling in. As I sat there and watched him make dinner and run her bath and especially when I watched him read her those bedtime stories it hit me like a pillowcase full of bricks that if things work out between him and I, I would be the step mother to this beautiful dark haired, bright eyed child before I am ever a mother myself. And there is really no other way to put it other then it scares the shit out of me. Not in a bad way. Just in the way of the unknown. I never would have saw me in this position, dating someone with a child. I always thought I would be jealous and that when I have a child I would want it to be his first child too, but everything I thought I would feel was wrong. I’m not jealous in the least, I look at him with her and my heart does a flip  I’ve never felt before. And I’m not jealous of the life he had before me because, I also had a life before him and even though I didn’t have a child with him, the life I had was just as important.

As I got in my car that night to head home, long after she had fallen asleep, I rolled the windows down lit a cigarette and drove in silence listening to the sound of my tires on the rural back roads. My thoughts were all over the place when one of them hopped out of line and slapped me in the face. Who am I? Who am I to just butt myself into this father-daughter relationship? Who am I to fall in love with this man and set in motion the re-assembling of a life that had been the same for five years? Who am I and will I ever fit into this life that those two have? Who am I to maybe possibly one day marry her daddy? Who am I to one day maybe even bring a sibling into her life after so long of being an only child? And on and on and on my thoughts went.

But at the end of the day as I lay in bed still sagging under the weight of how huge this all was I calmed down and realized that the only reason I felt like an outsider looking in was because I made myself feel that way. They did nothing but make me feel wanted and welcomed, loved even. And after a few (well ok, several) words of advice from my mother who has experience with this of her own, I felt much better which opened me up to be able to feel excitement. Change is terrifying for me, new things are hard for me to take on, but I think I am finally learning how to scoop up those fears up, throw them into the wind, and let life happen instead of forcing it to.

{TSF}

 

1,000 Internets (Music Edition)

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Almost two years ago I was sitting in a nearly empty apartment with nothing but my bed clear from boxes upon boxes stacked from floor to ceiling. After two months of no place to call my own I had finally signed the lease to an apartment, my very first apartment alone but the last thing I felt was happiness to be where I was. I was at one of the lowest points in my life and I was alone, so painfully alone but I had to smile! And be happy! And pump my fist in the air after I jogged the steps leading into my apartment because I had done it! This is exactly what I wanted, a place that was only mine, free to do whatever and whoever I pleased but if this is true, then why am I so painfully lonely and scared? After my ex boyfriend and his friend had moved the last of my boxes into my tiny one bedroom apartment I said goodbye, closed the door, sat in the middle of my mattress and cried and cried until my eyes were swollen shut and I felt like I could flood the world with the amount of pain that was inside my body at that very moment in time.  I cried until the darkness finally took me to sleep and when I woke the next morning in a room so utterly foreign to me I was determined to start getting things in order to make it feel like my home instead of a strangers house that I had accidentally stumbled drunk into at 4 the previous morning.

Before I started unpacking that day I took a trip to Walmart to get a few things I needed for the apartment and while I was there I bought a tiny two speaker CD player and one CD since I couldn’t afford much and I was too afraid to listen to any of the Cd’s I already had because every word of every song made me think of one time or another when I wasn’t alone and life was normal and happy. The CD I bought that day was Mumford and Sons- Sigh no more. I had no cable or internet yet so my only option to break the deafening silence while I was unpacking was that CD or the radio but I never had to tune in a radio station because I put that CD in when I got home and did not stop listening to it over and over and over again for at least a month. It was a CD written for me at the exact moment of time that I was going through all of this, the album is literally perfect front to back. I’d like to think it did a lot for me though, good and bad. I really think that CD is what helped me through so much of the healing process after the breakup and I will never forget that.

Anyways, the point of this whole thing was that this song came on my roommates Ipod when I was taking a shower today and I stood in the shower listening to his voice and I got lost in a moment of time that happened almost 2 years ago in a whole different city, in what seems now like a whole different life. Amazing how music can get you like that.

white blank page and a swelling rage, rage
You did not think when you sent me to the brink, to the brink
You desired my attention but denied my affections, my affections

{TSF}