Monthly Archives: November 2011

And if not? Well that will be ok too.

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I feel myself getting restless and that worries me. Im down in a rut and need something new. I want to feel like im on the move in some way constantly in my life. My location, my career, my look, my love. But I need to center myself. Sit in the calm and take it all in. Realize that everything in my life is where it should be right now. I have taken huge leaps forward in the past year and a half, and now it is time for me to sit in a plateau for a little while. Think about it, create, and consider what to do next. I wake up every morning with excitement in my belly from the budding love in my hands and I speak to God every night and ask for something, sometime good to come my way. I am not a person that believes that I can sit back and put my life in the hands of God and everything will be sorted out. No, it doesnt work that way. If your not an active participant in the workings of your life, of your past, present and future you cannot expect something to just fall in your lap. Sometimes that happens, and sometimes it doesnt. I am more just looking for a little glimmer of hope. A little hint of direction on where I should go from here. I feel like I have the whole world at arms reach, yet when I look at it again it only seems at arms reach when in reality it is so, so far away.

I look at who I am now compared to who I was 2 years ago and I am in amazement that this is who and where I am now. All of the good, and even all of the bad I wouldn’t change it for anything. “They” really aren’t lying when they say that you find yourself in your twenties, the quick and sudden way in which ive done so so far gives me hope that there is nothing but good things on the way. I am more in tuned with myself and what I really want in life. I am less likely to lay supine and allow things and people to walk all over me. Its as though two years ago I tore off the duct tape that had been covering my mouth in one quick swoop and refused to stay quiet since then. I am not saying those things weren’t what I wanted. At the time, I believed with my full heart and mind that that was what I wanted for me, for my life until one day I got a slight glimmer of doubt and from there the flame would grow just a little bit more. Gain a little bit more fuel no matter how I tried to stifle it until finally I couldnt ignore the doubt any longer and I finally spoke up as the heat from the flames were making me sweat.

I feel more independent now then I ever have in my life. I know that I can stand on my own two feet without a man, no matter how hard a struggle it has been at times doing it completely alone, but Ive done it and that is the point. I know I dont need a man to be happy, I know I dont need a man to make me feel successful. I know I can do this on my own now, whereas before I just thought that I might be able to do it. And now that I know I can do it I feel like im almost ready to want to do it with someone again. Is he the one? I dont know, but I have a warm feeling inside myself when I think about him being the one. Its so early into this, yet far enough still to have a hint that I could be really, truly and completely happy with him.  Only time will tell on that, but for now I am confident knowing that my past experiences and my present mindset will make it more likely to work. I know what I want, I know what I need to give and I know that most importantly that if it doesnt work, well then that will be ok too.

Wasted.

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It was friday night and like every other friday night for the past year and a half I was trashed out of my mind and swaying as I stood. We had as much fun as we always do and my brain was rising high and catapulting down over and over and over again until it felt like I was in a glass box watching the world happen around me. But then as  I laughed one moment, the very next I became so angry and so disgusted with myself I could have walked outside and laid down on pac ave and waited for a truck to come slam me into death. Because that is what I realized I was doing to myself every single night I chose to waste my life in bar with a drink in my hand and strangers grazing my elbows.

 

 

I am quickly becoming everything I ever said I wouldnt be and that makes me feel lower then I have ever felt in my life. I’m not saying I regret my decisions, Im not saying I shouldnt have made them. Im grateful for the experiences and the laughs and the incredible nights that turned into mornings with amazing friends that I wouldnt trade for anything, all I am saying is the dawn of friday morning brought with it the slamming door of a chapter that needs to come to an end. I need to treat myself better then this, I need to take serious things more serious and I need to make the changes I need to make so that one day I dont wake up and Ive wasted 5 years of my life doing things I said I would never do.

I feel a new chapter of my life on the horizon. A month ago I thought I might be in love with a man that couldnt give me a commitment and never would, and today I know Im in love with a man that kept his promises and held on to me when he couldnt let me go. He sorted through the problems and the things just arent right yets and  commited to me in a big way. I wake up and I have these butterflies in my stomach and I am so excited to see what the future has in store for us. Yes, I know things did not happen the way they should of. Things never should have gone where they did between us, but they did and I dont regret it because the trials all turned into something that after a year of waiting in anticipation paid out into something beautiful. I threw my hands up and it was as though the very second I exhaled and said its out of my hands, what will be will be, the stars aliened and everything worked out to allow us to be together.

And it makes me excited to open my life to things healtier for me. I want to stay home on friday nights and watch terrible movies and eat junk food. I want to save the money I would spend on drinks and instead have a good dinner with good friends. I want to start doing things I love again, instead of wasting so much of my life in various cases of intoxication. Of course im not saying ill never drink again, drinking is not the problem. Staying out until 7 in the morning and then laying in bed awake and scared until 10 or 11 is the problem.  Every good thing must come to an end, and for a long time weekend nights were a very good thing. I fought to have that opportunity to be able to be young and dumb and I took full and total advantage of that. But Im  run down now, a part of me is ashamed now. Im not single and alone anymore, and im not trying to drown my thoughts into oblivion. Im changing, and im growing and a part of me is very very scared to give up this part of my life. Something that has been solid, predictable and concrete and stress relieving and fun in order to find new things to excite me things that are more worth my time. But I need to change myself before it changes me.