It was friday night and like every other friday night for the past year and a half I was trashed out of my mind and swaying as I stood. We had as much fun as we always do and my brain was rising high and catapulting down over and over and over again until it felt like I was in a glass box watching the world happen around me. But then as I laughed one moment, the very next I became so angry and so disgusted with myself I could have walked outside and laid down on pac ave and waited for a truck to come slam me into death. Because that is what I realized I was doing to myself every single night I chose to waste my life in bar with a drink in my hand and strangers grazing my elbows.
I am quickly becoming everything I ever said I wouldnt be and that makes me feel lower then I have ever felt in my life. I’m not saying I regret my decisions, Im not saying I shouldnt have made them. Im grateful for the experiences and the laughs and the incredible nights that turned into mornings with amazing friends that I wouldnt trade for anything, all I am saying is the dawn of friday morning brought with it the slamming door of a chapter that needs to come to an end. I need to treat myself better then this, I need to take serious things more serious and I need to make the changes I need to make so that one day I dont wake up and Ive wasted 5 years of my life doing things I said I would never do.
I feel a new chapter of my life on the horizon. A month ago I thought I might be in love with a man that couldnt give me a commitment and never would, and today I know Im in love with a man that kept his promises and held on to me when he couldnt let me go. He sorted through the problems and the things just arent right yets and commited to me in a big way. I wake up and I have these butterflies in my stomach and I am so excited to see what the future has in store for us. Yes, I know things did not happen the way they should of. Things never should have gone where they did between us, but they did and I dont regret it because the trials all turned into something that after a year of waiting in anticipation paid out into something beautiful. I threw my hands up and it was as though the very second I exhaled and said its out of my hands, what will be will be, the stars aliened and everything worked out to allow us to be together.
And it makes me excited to open my life to things healtier for me. I want to stay home on friday nights and watch terrible movies and eat junk food. I want to save the money I would spend on drinks and instead have a good dinner with good friends. I want to start doing things I love again, instead of wasting so much of my life in various cases of intoxication. Of course im not saying ill never drink again, drinking is not the problem. Staying out until 7 in the morning and then laying in bed awake and scared until 10 or 11 is the problem. Every good thing must come to an end, and for a long time weekend nights were a very good thing. I fought to have that opportunity to be able to be young and dumb and I took full and total advantage of that. But Im run down now, a part of me is ashamed now. Im not single and alone anymore, and im not trying to drown my thoughts into oblivion. Im changing, and im growing and a part of me is very very scared to give up this part of my life. Something that has been solid, predictable and concrete and stress relieving and fun in order to find new things to excite me things that are more worth my time. But I need to change myself before it changes me.