I feel myself getting restless and that worries me. Im down in a rut and need something new. I want to feel like im on the move in some way constantly in my life. My location, my career, my look, my love. But I need to center myself. Sit in the calm and take it all in. Realize that everything in my life is where it should be right now. I have taken huge leaps forward in the past year and a half, and now it is time for me to sit in a plateau for a little while. Think about it, create, and consider what to do next. I wake up every morning with excitement in my belly from the budding love in my hands and I speak to God every night and ask for something, sometime good to come my way. I am not a person that believes that I can sit back and put my life in the hands of God and everything will be sorted out. No, it doesnt work that way. If your not an active participant in the workings of your life, of your past, present and future you cannot expect something to just fall in your lap. Sometimes that happens, and sometimes it doesnt. I am more just looking for a little glimmer of hope. A little hint of direction on where I should go from here. I feel like I have the whole world at arms reach, yet when I look at it again it only seems at arms reach when in reality it is so, so far away.
I look at who I am now compared to who I was 2 years ago and I am in amazement that this is who and where I am now. All of the good, and even all of the bad I wouldn’t change it for anything. “They” really aren’t lying when they say that you find yourself in your twenties, the quick and sudden way in which ive done so so far gives me hope that there is nothing but good things on the way. I am more in tuned with myself and what I really want in life. I am less likely to lay supine and allow things and people to walk all over me. Its as though two years ago I tore off the duct tape that had been covering my mouth in one quick swoop and refused to stay quiet since then. I am not saying those things weren’t what I wanted. At the time, I believed with my full heart and mind that that was what I wanted for me, for my life until one day I got a slight glimmer of doubt and from there the flame would grow just a little bit more. Gain a little bit more fuel no matter how I tried to stifle it until finally I couldnt ignore the doubt any longer and I finally spoke up as the heat from the flames were making me sweat.
I feel more independent now then I ever have in my life. I know that I can stand on my own two feet without a man, no matter how hard a struggle it has been at times doing it completely alone, but Ive done it and that is the point. I know I dont need a man to be happy, I know I dont need a man to make me feel successful. I know I can do this on my own now, whereas before I just thought that I might be able to do it. And now that I know I can do it I feel like im almost ready to want to do it with someone again. Is he the one? I dont know, but I have a warm feeling inside myself when I think about him being the one. Its so early into this, yet far enough still to have a hint that I could be really, truly and completely happy with him. Only time will tell on that, but for now I am confident knowing that my past experiences and my present mindset will make it more likely to work. I know what I want, I know what I need to give and I know that most importantly that if it doesnt work, well then that will be ok too.