Milestones Marked in Time (part three)

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The day I was fired I called Michael who was already home from work. I called him hysterical, scared and ready to do the drastic. He talked to me, calmed me down and sent off to pick me up and take me home. I must have skipped this part. The part where Michael entered my life. I had known him for years, probably 4 or 5 and I knew him for so long because, well he was Matthews best friend. We had always talked sporadically, facebook, the occasional text message. He stayed in contact with me after the breakup and slowly our occasional text messages became an every day all day thing. I thought nothing of it at first, Just a friend being a friend. He was the one that kept me from being so lonely alone in my apartment at night, and I kept him from being so lonely home during the day. Things stayed innocent for a long time. He was the one I confided in when Matthew and I slept together that horrible night. Instead of making me feel like a whore, instead of confirming my feelings of filth, he reassured me. Told me it was normal, told me not to let it set back all of the progress I had made. When Matthew told me he no longer loved me, it was Michael that called me when the tears were twin waterfalls down my cheeks and my heart felt like it couldnt take any more. He gave me advice, he gave me hope, he gave me reassurance. I got off the phone with him that day and his voice sounded in my head a little longer then it had previously. That day he went from being a friend, to a very good friend. A friend that I could lean on, that I could trust and confide in. But still then, only a friend. I felt comfortable talking to him about all of this because he too, had been through it. He had been through it but in a much more intense way then I had. Two years before all of this, he found out his wife had cheated on him multiple times which set off the string of events that eventually ended in a divorce, and a custody battle of their almost 3 year old daughter. He had been there, he had lived through it, I felt like if he could do it having been married to the mother of his child, I could too.

Around the end of September our conversations changed. Things got more personal, words became more intimate, our demeanor became more sexual. It was no secret that we were attracted to eachother. I was still at the newly single point where I wanted to be able to sleep with whoever I wanted to whenever I wanted to and not be made to feel guilty for it. It had been months since David and I stopped talking, and it had been just a month since the incident between Matthew and I. But even through our newly personal conversations I still held strong in myself that this was all just innocent flirtation. There was no way I was going to sleep with Matthews best friend. There was no way I was going to put myself in the position to feel like an appetizer passed between friends. He wanted it, he made that perfectly clear and I wasnt exactly doing the best job of making the opposite clear. And then one night in the middle of October I made a decision that would change things forever.

It was a couple of weeks before Halloween and I was at the annual haunted woods with two good friends. It was so cold that night, so crisp and so clear that you could see every star in the sky. I dont know when it was, I dont know what happened that made me make the decision I did but all I remember is between laughing with my friends and talking about old times I felt a pull that I couldnt ignore. I wanted to see him, I wanted to stop the back and forth, I wanted to calm the curiosity, I wanted to do something radical that I was so not used to doing, so I called him. He was at a friends house, and before I even finished my sentence he said he’d be home in a half an hour. He gave me directions to his house, and I told him I’d be on my way soon. My entire drive there my heart was beating so fast and my head was so full of chatter it felt surreal. Even on my drive there I wasnt convinced that I was going to sleep with him. I hadnt said yes to myself, and I hadnt said no. I said just see how it goes. Up until that point I had never hung out with him alone. We had never spent time together without Matthew in toe so I really wasnt sure what to expect.

I got there and it was already late, probably after midnight. His roommate was home, and I met him with the awkward hand shake and nonchalant-ness that come with two supposed adults having casual sex out in the open. I dont remember much of the evening spent with the three of us. Laughs, and beer and stories and maybe some music thrown in there. And before we knew it it was already 4am. I was exhausted and I couldnt keep my yawns to myself anymore and he knew this because periodically I felt his eyes on me when he thought I didnt notice. And when I felt his hand on my shoulder asking me if I was ready to go to sleep my stomach did a flip that would have rivaled the greatest gymnast of all time. I still hadnt decided if I was going to sleep with him, I had no choice about staying though as it was already 4 and my body had the warmness of maybe a few too many beers. I still hadnt decided I was going to sleep with him as we climbed the stairs to his attic bedroom, and I still had not decided I was going to sleep with him as I changed into the sweats he gave me and I crawled into his huge bed. And when he layed next to me and we awkwardly tried to hold a conversation as both of our hearts were equally beating out of our chests I still hadnt decided if I was going to sleep with him. When he kissed me, soft but rough at the same time I still hadnt decided I was going to sleep with him. We kissed for a few minutes when I pulled back and had a near panic attack. Talking too quickly, shitting myself with nervousness, with uncertainty with ohmyfuckinggodwtfamIdoing??? He gave me all the power, said it was up to me, that we didnt have to do anything that I didnt want to. I dont know when it was, but at some point during my rambling, and my why-we-shouldnt-do-this lecture I stopped. I took a deep breath, and without really knowing why announced, Fuck it! And well, that is exactly what we did.

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About Twenty Something FAILs

Im a woman in my early twenties living in the Seattle area. Im an aspiring writer/photographer/blogger and so naturally, that is why im here. Like many my age, I bring along no kids, no boyfriend/husband, no father and a small group of amazing friends who I call my family. This is me just trying not to FAIL miserably at life i general.

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