This was written almost a year ago on April 25, 2011. Right when we were in the midst of the daily struggle to stay you and I and not make it us. But now here we are almost a year later and I am yours and you are mine and I cant remember being this happy in a very long time. The world works in mysterious ways, and Im not sure how we ended up together but all I know is I wake up with a smile every morning and the only time my heart aches is when its been too long since I’ve seen you. ❤
Reading through it now I’d say its a bit unfinished maybe one day I’ll give it the finishing it needs.
I had a dream that I was alone floating in the middle of a vast lake. The sun was high in the sky and I felt its warmth on my face and the comfort of its light. The water surrounded me, cupped my body like a lovers embrace. Coating my legs, embracing my arms, covering my ears. I was peaceful and content listening to the slow breaths in my chest. I opened my eyes and when I turned my head to the horizon you were there. Just as peaceful. Just as content letting your body float in the lukewarm lake, next to mine. I had no fear, I had no doubts, I had no thoughts of the lake closing in, swallowing me up and taking me under. I gave the lake my trust, I gave it the power to hurt me, trusting that it wouldn’t.
I am a realist. I am a pessimist with cynical tendencies. My glass is half empty and my outlook on life is based on years of being hurt at every turn. I’m not one to follow my dreams. I’m one to evaluate those dreams, think about it for a few days, weeks or even months and give myself a well coordinated neatly constructed list of every reason those dreams should stay just that. But you’re a dream I want to follow. You’re a light I want to step into, you’re a challenge I want to take on. You’re a man I want to love and you’re a friend that could be my best.
And I could let myself love again. I could throw out the fear and swallow the doubt. I could take every memory of him and I, tuck it into a silk lined casket and bury it in the soft tilled earth. Not to be forgotten, but to be laid to rest. To lay that history to rest, but it wouldn’t be gone. No, never gone. It will always be there, buried in the cemetery of broken dreams and lost loves. It is harder then I ever thought it would be, painstaking and unforgiving but I can do this. Because you came into my life and Im not scared. Lying in your arms is like coming home after a long trip through hell. Its complicated and its wrong, its careless and hurtful but in every way it shouldn’t be there are ten more reasons it should be. And for you I could do this. For you I could let myself love again.
We aren’t summer loves. We weathered our storms when the world outside was weathering its own. You’ve kept me warm in cold dark rooms when I couldn’t fathom being alone. It started late one unexpected October night. It was like a fast moving train we were the only passengers of. It had no brakes, no linen covered seats, no luxuries just you and I and the cool fall air whipping through us. We sat in the doorway of the train chugging to no where and let our legs dangle in the wind, the light from the moon lighting our way, looking to each other for support through the turbulence. And I know all the words that were spoken. I know all the rules and boundaries that were set. I know that in the dark as we laid our bodies so close together we promised we wouldn’t make this anything that it couldn’t be. You intended on holding true to those words, as did I. I had no intentions on falling in love with you, I shook those thoughts off as fast as they would enter my mind. I couldn’t see myself loving you, making this any more complicated then two friends using each other for physical needs.
But after weeks of pretending not to notice the gentle stroking of your hand on mine, pretending to make nothing of your fingers through my hair, pretending not to notice the excitement in my belly and the fluttering of my heart I couldn’t ignore it anymore. Because with you, everything is different. With you, my heart feels light and my feet feel like they can take me anywhere. You speak your love to me through parted lips and shaky knees. You hold back when we have conversations of ending up together. You hide behind the complexities of our situation, you skirt around my questions, you refuse to let yourself love again. But Im determined not to give up.
I thought I lost you once. When I couldn’t keep quiet any longer and told the secret we promised not to tell. I thought id lost you and that was it and this would be no more. My heart was broken and I cried for days. But you thought twice about it. Took some days to yourself and then you came back to me. It was New Years Eve and you called me so late in the night. We started the New Year making new promises of locking our hearts off from each other. But my fingers were crossed behind my back and I knew we couldn’t stop what was coming.