Monthly Archives: February 2012

Opinions are like…

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“Joe Walsh: Birth control debate ‘Not about woman'”

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/blackberry/p.html?id=1288822

Hey Joe Walsh thank you for clearing up that little issue about the all male contreception panel.  Your absolutely right! How silly of us to think that the contraception controversy is about woman!! I mean why would it be? Woman are the only the ONLY PEOPLE ON THE PLANET that take oral contraception but you sir, you sir are correct! How silly of me to think that my uterus is my business? My uterus is definitely just a pawn for your gray haired white man asses religious freedom! My uterus just needs to stay quiet down there in my lower abdominal cavity and let people like you, Mr. Walsh talk for it. Because clearly, you know whats best here. God bless Amurrica!

 

When the life you lived is no longer worth it

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Last night I went out with my friends for the first time in a long time. It’s been almost 3 months since I’ve donned high heels and painted my face for a night on the town. I had high hopes, thinking that maybe this time, this one out of the last few would be different. Maybe this time I would be able to let loose and recapture some of the care free fun we used to have together. But at the end of the night, just like the last few I was silently clenching my jaw and talking myself out of driving home and never looking back again. I don’t know when the exact time was when I no longer found myself laughing until I cried, pouring drink after drink and stumbling home at the end of the night with a sense of being young and close to friends I never wanted to leave. But at some point that fun turned into annoyances and a sense of wasting my life being wasted in a wasteful bar. I have spent the last two years of my life drunk off my ass, taking the world as it came, staying awake until the sun rose above the trees, sleeping all day and waking up just in time to get ready and do it all over again. And quite simply, without any poetic words or digging under the surface as to why, I discovered a while ago that I am over it. The same times that brought me so much fun before, brings me anxiety and an unsettling sense of sadness now. As my friends are struggling to stand straight and put a two word sentence together I find myself checking my watch and thinking of all the things I’d rather be doing now.

For a long time I have struggled with what it means to be young. I ended my last relationship so that I could live in my twenties like a twenty year old should instead of living the life of a forty year old that I somehow fell into before I was even allowed to legally drink. At that time living in my twenties meant to me drinking and partying and staying out until times you couldnt tell your mother about. At that time I wanted nothing more then to abandon my warm couch with my chosen family to escape into the night with friends old and new gathered in a dim bar that would deliver fuzzy memories and forgotten stories. I know now that that deep seated need to get out and have “fun” was based on the unknown. I did things I had never done before, things I maybe shouldnt have done, things that were questionable but through it all I dont regret a thing. But now, as a 23 year old woman my idea of living young is changing. It’s evolving and it is still a challenging concept to me at times.

This morning I felt the youngest and happiest that I have in a long time. Today as I laid in bed with my honey and the early afternoon light seeped in through the blinds casting light on our bare skin as we laughed and talked in a smoke filled room I felt young and alive. Sometimes I feel there is an internal battle going on with myself as to whether or not I allow myself to sink into a happy fulfilling relationship, leaving behind the life that I’ve lived for the past two years. Is it doing a disservice to myself and everything I worked so hard for if I allow myself to be consumed by a man that I want to love more then anything instead of staying strong on a path of independence? I know to be careful, not to make him my whole world. Not to forget all the other so important components that make me who I am. But I have come so far and have earned the right to put 100% into him and this relationship. To give it the best chance, to allow myself to be happy and surround myself only with the people who care and love and support and bring positivity to my life. Change is always challenging for me but this time I am not scared. This time I am older and more confident with a greater sense of myself to know that it is ok to leave one life behind for a better one. If you are not constantly changing and evolving and seeking out better for yourself then you will just lay stagnant and one day I will blink my eyes and I will be drunk in a bar with the same people but my hair will be shorter and my skin will be looser and my butt will have fallen a few inches south. So I will not feel guilty for leaving that life behind to start a new one with infinite possibilities ahead. So I will find new ways to feel young, to feel like I am living the life I should be at my age. Experiences like the one this morning smoking green before the clock has hit 12 noon laughing between kisses with my honey, smile on my face, heart so full it could spill over.

Your not my summer love

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This was written almost a year ago on April 25, 2011. Right when we were in the midst of the daily struggle to stay you and I and not make it us. But now here we are almost a year later and I am yours and you are mine and I cant remember being this happy in a very long time. The world works in mysterious ways, and Im not sure how we ended up together but all I know is I wake up with a smile every morning and the only  time my heart aches is when its been too long since I’ve seen you. ❤

Reading through it now I’d say its a bit unfinished maybe one day I’ll give it the finishing it needs.

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I had a dream that I was alone floating in the middle of a vast lake. The sun was high in the sky and I felt its warmth on my face and the comfort of its light. The water surrounded me, cupped my body like a lovers embrace. Coating my legs, embracing my arms, covering my ears. I was peaceful and content listening to the slow breaths in my chest. I opened my eyes and when I turned my head to the horizon you were there. Just as peaceful. Just as content letting your body float in the lukewarm lake, next to mine. I had no fear, I had no doubts, I had no thoughts of the lake closing in, swallowing me up and taking me under. I gave the lake my trust, I gave it the power to hurt me, trusting that it wouldn’t.

I am a realist. I am a pessimist with cynical tendencies. My glass is half empty and my outlook on life is based on years of being hurt at every turn. I’m not one to follow my dreams. I’m one to evaluate those dreams, think about it for a few days, weeks or even months and give myself a well coordinated neatly constructed list of every reason those dreams should stay just that. But you’re a dream I want to follow. You’re a light I want to step into, you’re a challenge I want to take on. You’re a man I want to love and you’re a friend that could be my best.

And I could let myself love again. I could throw out the fear and swallow the doubt. I could take every memory of him and I, tuck it into a silk lined casket and bury it in the soft tilled earth. Not to be forgotten, but to be laid to rest. To lay that history to rest, but it wouldn’t be gone. No, never gone. It will always be there, buried in the cemetery of broken dreams and lost loves. It is harder then I ever thought it would be, painstaking and unforgiving but I can do this. Because you came into my life and Im not scared. Lying in your arms is like coming home after a long trip through hell. Its complicated and its wrong, its careless and hurtful but in every way it shouldn’t be there are ten more reasons it should be. And for you I could do this. For you I could let myself love again.

We aren’t summer loves. We weathered our storms when the world outside was weathering its own. You’ve kept me warm in cold dark rooms when I couldn’t fathom being alone. It started late one unexpected October night. It was like a fast moving train we were the only passengers of. It had no brakes, no linen covered seats, no luxuries just you and I and the cool fall air whipping through us. We sat in the doorway of the train chugging to no where and let our legs dangle in the wind, the light from the moon lighting our way, looking to each other for support through the turbulence. And I know all the words that were spoken. I know all the rules and boundaries that were set. I know that in the dark as we laid our bodies so close together we promised we wouldn’t make this anything that it couldn’t be. You intended on holding true to those words, as did I. I had no intentions on falling in love with you, I shook those thoughts off as fast as they would enter my mind. I couldn’t see myself loving you, making this any more complicated then two friends using each other for physical needs.

But after weeks of pretending not to notice the gentle stroking of your hand on mine, pretending to make nothing of your fingers through my hair, pretending not to notice the excitement in my belly and the fluttering of my heart I couldn’t ignore it anymore. Because with you, everything is different. With you, my heart feels light and my feet feel like they can take me anywhere. You speak your love to me through parted lips and shaky knees. You hold back when we have conversations of ending up together. You hide behind the complexities of our situation, you skirt around my questions, you refuse to let yourself love again. But Im determined not to give up.

I thought I lost you once. When I couldn’t keep quiet any longer and told the secret we promised not to tell.  I thought id lost you and that was it and this would be no more. My heart was broken and I cried for days. But you thought twice about it. Took some days to yourself and then you came back to me. It was New Years Eve and you called me so late in the night. We started the New Year making new promises of locking our hearts off from each other. But my fingers were crossed behind my back and I knew we couldn’t stop what was coming.