Last night as we laid in the darkness of my quiet bedroom, your arms wrapped around me you told me for the very first time that you love me. When you said those three words my heart stopped and my stomach did a flip and instead of laying on my old mattress in my small room I felt like I was nestled in the soft fantasy of my endless dreams. In that moment I felt like my life changed. In that moment I felt like a whole new me, in the moment I felt like a whole new us. It sounds drastic and exaggerated and silly but I felt myself change and a whole new chapter of life open all at once. Because with love, anything is possible. With you, I feel like everything is possible. I didn’t anticipate that great of a feeling. I knew I would be touched, I would be emotional and raw and real in that moment when you finally spread your lips to say it but what I didn’t know, is that with those words you broke down walls, swept out fears, freeing me from one life and carrying me into the next.
We’ve both been in love before but this love is different and more wonderful then I ever could have imagined. The love before us was a very immature love. The love I had before was a I’ve-never-felt-this-before suffocating I-can’t-live-without-you love. Strong and intense, unhealthy and unforgiving. If that love was I cant live without you love, this love is I want to share my life with you. If that love was never leave me alone love, this love is go, go and have your own life but always be back to kiss my goodnight. If that love was I don’t know who I am without you love, this love is I know who I am without you and when I’m with you its like the very last piece of my puzzle has been added and I finally feel complete. That love was characterized by possessing one another, by invading one anothers mind body and soul, by adding condition on top of condition until we would allow the other to be loved. This love is characterized by a softness in each others eyes, respect in the way we speak to each other, kindness, giving, unconditional, beautifully mutual love.
I’ve had a feeling those words were coming. It’s been incredibly challenging for me to be patient, to not doubt, to wait and give you the time you needed to know 100% that you love me. And the last few weeks you’ve gotten closer to me. Holding me tighter, snuggling me longer, kissing me when you leave in the morning, when I woke up coughing in the middle of the night and you pulled me close making sure I was ok. I don’t know why you chose last night but I couldn’t be any happier then I am right now. And as we laid in the darkness arms wrapped as tight as they could get around each others bare skin I don’t think I have ever felt as loved, content, free, hopeful, happy and optimistic as I did in that moment. Even writing these words of love and hope and confidence I have the flicker of fear in the back of my head, telling myself to write down words of if it doesnt work out, if it’s this, if that happens, if if if if. I don’t want to do that right now, right now I wish I could bottle that feeling I had inside my stomach when I heard your words so that I could relive it over and over again. Right now I just want you to hold me close and never let me go. ❤