I have been home unemployed for less then a week and I have gone through so many emotions I would rival any schizophrenic. Above all an overwhelming undertone of loser-dom is at the top of my list. I feel like a failure, like a loser, incompetent, incapable, bad, wrong, etc. I have spent a lot of time laying awake, beating myself up, getting stoned out of my mind so that I can feel something other then self hatred. I’ve been eating like a bulimic minus the throwing up and smoking like its going out of style. I’ve been waiting anxiously on the edge of my chest just waiting to hear if I will be approved for unemployment or if I will be left with no income at all. I got word today that the claim is one step closer. Still not approved, but on its way. For some reason I woke up today and when I opened my eyes I felt like today needed to be different. I got my final paycheck today which was more then I expected, my roommate and best friend came home from her weeks vacation, word from unemployment that I was one step closer. Today it felt a little easier to breathe.
And that is when I decided that tomorrow, I begin to reclaim myself. I allow myself a week to feel at my lowest, to beat myself up and ask why me and try to process what happened and ask what to do next. But now that week is coming to an end and I am determined to make the absolute best I possibly can out of this situation. I would hardly say that getting fired is a gift, but sometimes you can turn it into one. It is no secret that I don’t like to work. I never have and I probably never will. I have enjoyed jobs, I have excelled and succeed but I have never stop living in dream land and started living in career mode. I do not feel personally satisfied and successful when I am rewarded at work, I feel my success from taking a great picture or cooking a great meal or staying up laughing all night with my best friends over nothing. I feel successful with my hand intertwined with my Micheal’s, with weaving imperfect words perfectly together, 0r in a 100 degree room locked in the tree pose. These are all things that make me feel alive and happy and right. These are the things I want to pursue in life and all things that normally have to go on the back burner when im burnt out from working a full time job.
I am a person that is easily satisfied with a roof over my head, love in my life, passion in my heart and empty pockets. Sure, I like money. Who doesn’t? But money does not define me. It does not drive me, money is a necessary evil that I enjoying taking a part in when I am so lucky as to have some. Enough money to cover my basics and have a little left over is fine by me. Which is why if my unemployment is approved and I am able to cover the necessary needs I fully intend to go on some major soul searching. I need to create! I need to dig deep inside myself and push myself to be a better person. I need this time.
I am going to go get my camera out of pawn tomorrow. It has been there for almost a year and I have felt fully empty without it. Is now the best time to spend the money to get it out? Of course not, but I need it. I can’t imagine spending my summer unemployed with out it. I need to create, I need to document, I need to get back into something that fulfills me more then anything else. I am joining a gym and spending my days there instead of laying on my couch watching bad tv. I need to work the aggression out to allow my mind to be loose again. I want to push myself physically while growing mentally. I want my outside to match my inside, free, alive, young and capable. I want to start projects and actually finish them, I want to grow deeper in my love with Michael, I want to take our relationship to such great heights. I am going to make more time for my friends. Friends that I have not been very fair to recently, often ignoring calls and going weeks without seeing. These friends are friends that I have worked so hard for and I refuse to let our friendships go anywhere but up.
My hope is that if I spend this time that I have been given in a positive manner, learning, growing, searching that when the time comes to move on, to either enter school or find a new job that I will have a better grip on reality. That I will be able to devote myself more fully to a career without my heart aching to be out living life. I have been sitting here alone saying what do I do now? Where do I go from here? And to be completely frank, I have no fucking clue! I don’t know what to do from here. If I just went back to another job in the same industry, doing the same thing I’ve done for years all the while hating it inside, the outcome will be the same. I will be sitting here a few months from now in the same position saying how did I lose THREE jobs in two years? So I believe that I owe this to myself. To take some time out before I take my next step so that I can actually achieve what I know I am capable of.