Monthly Archives: April 2012

Unexpected nostalgia

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This picture was taken almost 2 years ago and without even having to close my eyes I can feel with such intensity what it was like, how I felt, what the sun felt like shining on me through the window. How sticky and hot it was that day, what I was looking at on the computer [Craigslist], everything…

Browsing through my picture files I scroll over this picture and stop dead in my tracks. The vivid memories this summoned up so quickly it knocked me off my tracks. Pictures can convey many feelings for me but this one, this one is different. I look at this picture and the smell of that room washes over me, not bad just… foreign. This was on the bed in the room of my friends parents house. The room that I stayed in for 2 months after I broke up with my ex, the room where I have never felt so lost. Emotionally, mentally, physically every which way I was beaten and tired. Looking at this picture gave me memories to realize just how different my life is now compared to then. Two years to change and grow. Two years to live and find love. Two years to change your outlook, your views, your opinions, your very being.

Leaves me speechless.

1,000 Internets (music edition)

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I have become a huge fan of folk music over the past couple of years. Which really comes as no surprise to me as I am my fathers daughter whether I like it or not. Always growing up my dad exposed me to music. All different kinds of music, some I hated at the time and some I loved and for reasons I really couldnt put my finger on. One of those loves was oddly enough, bluegrass. I LOVE bluegrass and I can’t explain why. There is something so powerful about bluegrass music and of course, folk would be a cousin of bluegrass.

I had heard of the head and the heart and heard one of their songs before I went to a concert with my best friend and The Head and the Heart opened. The sound of their music filling the arena was so powerful I can’t even describe it. The voice that comes from that woman could move an ocean. One of the most exciting things about the rise of folk music recently is that it has exposed the world to so many different amazingly beautiful woman singers! It is really sad when you think of the major artists centered in the alternative/folk/indie rock circle and their are so few woman! So hearing the woman finally sneaking their way in and sharing their talents is really a wonderful thing!

This is one of my favorite Head and the Heart songs beautiful music, beautiful lyrics.

Tell me somethin’, give me hope for the night
We don’t know how we feel
We’re just prayin’ that we’re doin’ this right
Though that’s not the way it seems

Taking a breather

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I have been home unemployed for less then a week and I have gone through so many emotions I would rival any schizophrenic. Above all an overwhelming undertone of loser-dom is at the top of my list. I feel like a failure, like a loser, incompetent, incapable, bad, wrong, etc. I have spent a lot of time laying awake, beating myself up, getting stoned out of my mind so that I can feel something other then self hatred. I’ve been eating like a bulimic minus the throwing up and smoking like its going out of style. I’ve been waiting anxiously on the edge of my chest just waiting to hear if I will be approved for unemployment or if I will be left with no income at all. I got word today that the claim is one step closer. Still not approved, but on its way. For some reason I woke up today and when I opened my eyes I felt like today needed to be different.  I got my final paycheck today which was more then I expected, my roommate and best friend came home from her weeks vacation, word from unemployment that I was one step closer. Today it felt a little easier to breathe.

And that is when I decided that tomorrow, I begin to reclaim myself. I allow myself a week to feel at my lowest, to beat myself up and ask why me and try to process what happened and ask what to do next. But now that week is coming to an end and I am determined to make the absolute best I possibly can out of this situation. I would hardly say that getting fired is a gift, but sometimes you can turn it into one. It is no secret that I don’t like to work. I never have and I probably never will. I have enjoyed jobs, I have excelled and succeed but I have never stop living in dream land and started living in career mode. I do not feel personally satisfied and successful when I am rewarded at work, I feel my success from taking a great picture or cooking a great meal or staying up laughing all night with my best friends over nothing. I feel successful with my hand intertwined with my Micheal’s, with weaving imperfect words perfectly together, 0r in a 100 degree room locked in the tree pose. These are all things that make me feel alive and happy and right. These are the things I want to pursue in life and all things that normally have to go on the back burner when im burnt out from working a full time job.

I am a person that is easily satisfied with a roof over my head, love in my life, passion in my heart and empty pockets. Sure, I like money. Who doesn’t? But money does not define me. It does not drive me, money is a necessary evil that I enjoying taking a part in when I am so lucky as to have some. Enough money to cover my basics and have a little left over is fine by me. Which is why if my unemployment is approved and I am able to cover the necessary needs I fully intend to go on some major soul searching. I need to create! I need to dig deep inside myself and push myself to be a better person. I need this time.

I am going to go get my camera out of pawn tomorrow. It has been there for almost a year and I have felt fully empty without it. Is now the best time to spend the money to get it out? Of course not, but I need it. I can’t imagine spending my summer unemployed with out it. I need to create, I need to document, I need to get back into something that fulfills me more then anything else. I am joining a gym and spending my days there instead of laying on my couch watching bad tv. I need to work the aggression out to allow my mind to be loose again. I want to push myself physically while growing mentally. I want my outside to match my inside, free, alive, young and capable. I want to start projects and actually finish them, I want to grow deeper in my love with Michael, I want to take our relationship to such great heights. I am going to make more time for my friends. Friends that I have not been very fair to recently, often ignoring calls and going weeks without seeing. These friends are friends that I have worked so hard for and I refuse to let our friendships go anywhere but up.

My hope is that if I spend this time that I have been given in a positive manner, learning, growing, searching that when the time comes to move on, to either enter school or find a new job that I will have a better grip on reality. That I will be able to devote myself more fully to a career without my heart aching to be out living life. I have been sitting here alone saying what do I do now? Where do I go from here? And to be completely frank, I have no fucking clue! I don’t know what to do from here. If I just went back to another job in the same industry, doing the same thing I’ve done for years all the while hating it inside, the outcome will be the same. I will be sitting here a few months from now in the same position saying how did I lose THREE jobs in two years? So I believe that I owe this to myself. To take some time out before I take my next step so that I can actually achieve what I know I am capable of.

1,000 Internets (Music Edition)

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I have been a huge fan of Sublime since I was probably in middle school. No one can replace Bradly, but I will give it to Rome he is good! Like real good and I think once he’s done with Sublime he’ll go on to be even more successful. Plus it helps that I’m a sucker for that sexy chubby look.

Take it or leave it.
Cause I’m really leaving.
I’ve purchased my ticket to New York.
First thing in the morning,
Kissing you good morning,
And whispering goodbye.

Defeat at its finest

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This feeling is all too familiar. Defeat at its finest, in all its dream crushing pride stealing glory. The crazy thing about failing so badly in this way is that it happens so fast. Everything is great for months! Going well, very few complaints and then in less then two months its like you sit back and watch the train wreck unfold in slow motion. Frame by frame. Impact, Each car folding in on each other, the final fiery end, and then silence. Silence as you watch everything you’ve worked so hard for burn right in front of you, just sitting there watching because really? What else can you do?

I lost my job today. That is number 2 within about a year and a half. I was feeling positive today, really believing that with the office change would come positive changes. Really give me a chance to prove myself, to clear my name of all the lies and negativity that had surrounded me for the past 2 months. I really believed that this would be a move that could change everything. Four hours into my day and it was over. All of it. Gone. It was a stupid mistake and I won’t even try to defend it. I said nothing during both of my termination conference calls. And now I am sitting in my living room at midnight on a Monday and the fact that I don’t have a job to wake up and go to tomorrow is weighing heavily on me. Sometimes when I can’t get my head around something. When it is too much to process, when there is too much to say, when my thoughts and words run into each other like a over occupied chickens coop I try and slow it down. Put my creative energy towards constructing snapshots instead of lengthy entries. Capture what I can to remember this day. Now that I think of it, I’m not really sure why I want to remember this day. It was terrible and leaves so many fears wide open sitting on the counter just staring at me. But as hard as it is, this event was apart of my life. Apart of my story, and will be apart of my history.

The sun was shining all day today. A really strange occurrence since it is April in Washington. While I sat there at my new desk I looked at the window, felt the escaped sun rays fall onto me from the outside. It gave me strength, led my attitude. And as I walked out of that same office, shaking, in shock, stunned the sun was warm on my skin as I made my way to my car. I didn’t cry, which was a change from the last time I was let go from a job. I think more then anything I just felt lost. Completely stunned. Very down on myself. I smoked almost a full pack of cigarettes within a few hours, feeling like each cigarette which would usually bring a calmness, had to be defective. I was so numb I couldn’t even feel the excess of nicotine I was flooding my body with. And just like the last time, I went to Michael. I ran to him, licking my wounds. Barely able to speak any words. He was there with me when I got the final call. And I am so thankful that he was.

So what do I do now? I’ll go through the motions. Apply where I need to apply while also searching very hard for a job. I’m trying to keep an optimistic attitude, but I’ll wait until I get the word on my unemployment to actually let my guard down. I have a lot of If’s on my mind right now. If you could open my brain you would just hear the soft slithering whispers if if if if if if if. But you know what, I dont know! I dont know what if to any of these open ended questions! Right now, I need to focus so hard on maintaining my mental health. Becuase if I let that go to shit, I’ll still be in the exact same place I was before, but much more miserable.