This feeling is all too familiar. Defeat at its finest, in all its dream crushing pride stealing glory. The crazy thing about failing so badly in this way is that it happens so fast. Everything is great for months! Going well, very few complaints and then in less then two months its like you sit back and watch the train wreck unfold in slow motion. Frame by frame. Impact, Each car folding in on each other, the final fiery end, and then silence. Silence as you watch everything you’ve worked so hard for burn right in front of you, just sitting there watching because really? What else can you do?
I lost my job today. That is number 2 within about a year and a half. I was feeling positive today, really believing that with the office change would come positive changes. Really give me a chance to prove myself, to clear my name of all the lies and negativity that had surrounded me for the past 2 months. I really believed that this would be a move that could change everything. Four hours into my day and it was over. All of it. Gone. It was a stupid mistake and I won’t even try to defend it. I said nothing during both of my termination conference calls. And now I am sitting in my living room at midnight on a Monday and the fact that I don’t have a job to wake up and go to tomorrow is weighing heavily on me. Sometimes when I can’t get my head around something. When it is too much to process, when there is too much to say, when my thoughts and words run into each other like a over occupied chickens coop I try and slow it down. Put my creative energy towards constructing snapshots instead of lengthy entries. Capture what I can to remember this day. Now that I think of it, I’m not really sure why I want to remember this day. It was terrible and leaves so many fears wide open sitting on the counter just staring at me. But as hard as it is, this event was apart of my life. Apart of my story, and will be apart of my history.
The sun was shining all day today. A really strange occurrence since it is April in Washington. While I sat there at my new desk I looked at the window, felt the escaped sun rays fall onto me from the outside. It gave me strength, led my attitude. And as I walked out of that same office, shaking, in shock, stunned the sun was warm on my skin as I made my way to my car. I didn’t cry, which was a change from the last time I was let go from a job. I think more then anything I just felt lost. Completely stunned. Very down on myself. I smoked almost a full pack of cigarettes within a few hours, feeling like each cigarette which would usually bring a calmness, had to be defective. I was so numb I couldn’t even feel the excess of nicotine I was flooding my body with. And just like the last time, I went to Michael. I ran to him, licking my wounds. Barely able to speak any words. He was there with me when I got the final call. And I am so thankful that he was.
So what do I do now? I’ll go through the motions. Apply where I need to apply while also searching very hard for a job. I’m trying to keep an optimistic attitude, but I’ll wait until I get the word on my unemployment to actually let my guard down. I have a lot of If’s on my mind right now. If you could open my brain you would just hear the soft slithering whispers if if if if if if if. But you know what, I dont know! I dont know what if to any of these open ended questions! Right now, I need to focus so hard on maintaining my mental health. Becuase if I let that go to shit, I’ll still be in the exact same place I was before, but much more miserable.