Monthly Archives: July 2012

1,000 Internets (Music Edition)

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Almost two years ago I was sitting in a nearly empty apartment with nothing but my bed clear from boxes upon boxes stacked from floor to ceiling. After two months of no place to call my own I had finally signed the lease to an apartment, my very first apartment alone but the last thing I felt was happiness to be where I was. I was at one of the lowest points in my life and I was alone, so painfully alone but I had to smile! And be happy! And pump my fist in the air after I jogged the steps leading into my apartment because I had done it! This is exactly what I wanted, a place that was only mine, free to do whatever and whoever I pleased but if this is true, then why am I so painfully lonely and scared? After my ex boyfriend and his friend had moved the last of my boxes into my tiny one bedroom apartment I said goodbye, closed the door, sat in the middle of my mattress and cried and cried until my eyes were swollen shut and I felt like I could flood the world with the amount of pain that was inside my body at that very moment in time.  I cried until the darkness finally took me to sleep and when I woke the next morning in a room so utterly foreign to me I was determined to start getting things in order to make it feel like my home instead of a strangers house that I had accidentally stumbled drunk into at 4 the previous morning.

Before I started unpacking that day I took a trip to Walmart to get a few things I needed for the apartment and while I was there I bought a tiny two speaker CD player and one CD since I couldn’t afford much and I was too afraid to listen to any of the Cd’s I already had because every word of every song made me think of one time or another when I wasn’t alone and life was normal and happy. The CD I bought that day was Mumford and Sons- Sigh no more. I had no cable or internet yet so my only option to break the deafening silence while I was unpacking was that CD or the radio but I never had to tune in a radio station because I put that CD in when I got home and did not stop listening to it over and over and over again for at least a month. It was a CD written for me at the exact moment of time that I was going through all of this, the album is literally perfect front to back. I’d like to think it did a lot for me though, good and bad. I really think that CD is what helped me through so much of the healing process after the breakup and I will never forget that.

Anyways, the point of this whole thing was that this song came on my roommates Ipod when I was taking a shower today and I stood in the shower listening to his voice and I got lost in a moment of time that happened almost 2 years ago in a whole different city, in what seems now like a whole different life. Amazing how music can get you like that.

white blank page and a swelling rage, rage
You did not think when you sent me to the brink, to the brink
You desired my attention but denied my affections, my affections

{TSF}

 

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I’m starting to forget how to even spell the word J.O.B.

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Every day for the past 3 days I have sat down at my computer with the intention of updating this here blog and every day I have procrastinated. And each day after a few hours of web surfing I have closed my computer without even starting said blog post.  I  get like that sometimes, where there are too many thoughts running through my head that breaking them down and organizing them and putting words to them is all but impossible. There is really no way around this but to wait patiently, ask myself if I’m ready yet until finally one day I just am.

Life right now is really all about just doing my best to kick my legs and paddle my arms in a desperate attempt to keep my head above water. We are now on month 4 of the unemployed life which is significant because the last time I was unemployed was for exactly 4 months. The last time I was unemployed I spent oh probably 3 months and 3 1/3 weeks doing nothing, least of all not looking for a job but as soon as I did start looking I got one of the first positions I applied for. This time around I have been sending out a minimum of 20 applications a week for at least 4 weeks now and have received 1 call and 1 interview and since I am still firmly planted on the couch, you can probably guess what the outcome of that was. It is getting increasingly difficult to not get discouraged or scared or frustrated because of the severe lack of response to my resume. Everything I am applying for I am qualified for, in a reasonable distance to my house, and am confident in my ability to do the job based on the initial descriptions but none of that really matters if no one will even give me an interview.

I always used to say that I could be unemployed for the rest of my life and never have a problem with it, and while that still rings true, I am ready to start making money again! To at least attempt to be a productive member of society, to not be indebted to every person around me. As each day goes on I feel a little worse about myself and my inability apparently to keep a job. I need something good to come my way, and while I’m doing my best to wait patiently, I hope it comes soon. If it doesn’t come soon, I am going to seriously need to explore other options, like getting into a trade school that would have me in and out and making a decent paycheck in 6-9 months.

The stress of being unemployed coupled with endless family drama and feeling like I am slipping into a depression that I really want nothing to do with is making it virtually impossible for me to get a good nights sleep. Either I can’t fall asleep, or I can’t stay asleep, or I’m finally sleeping good and then I have a horrendous nightmare that wakes me with a start as I’m dripping with sweat. The core of my well being rests on sleep and if I’m not getting it, every other aspect in my life suffers.

I have been having a row of bad days but this is not what has been common for the past 4 months. In general I have been extremely appreciative of the time I’ve had off. I’ve spent more time writing and reading then I have in a very, very long time. I have been able to spend more quality time with Michael then I have since I was unemployed before, and that was before we were officially dating, and that is something I am very grateful for. I have been allowed time to myself which is something I didn’t have nearly enough of when I was working, as I live with a roommate. Which is never a bad thing as I love her very much, but sometimes to keep a balance within yourself you need some time alone. That is something I will very much miss when I finally do get a job.

Through this all I have really just tried to remind myself every day how it could always be worse. The last time I was unemployed I was living on my own and paying hundreds more in monthly living expenses, and this time if I pinch every penny I can just pay all of my bills for the month which is something I am very thankful for. And I really just want to make sure that I don’t spend too much of my little extended vacation wallowing in self pity, I want to make sure I wake up every morning and remember everything in this life that I have to be grateful for and just take it one day at a time. And if all else fails I hear cam whoring is a very lucrative business.

{TSF}

Jet plane

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Put me on a jet plane 

send me speeding through the sky

nothing with me but my carry on packed full of what I couldn’t leave behind.

I spent years stifled in a life forced upon me

and in a few hours I’ll land in a place

where even the thought of you hasn’t graced its space.

I’ll send you knick knacks from the city

And postcards from the beach

just an occasional reminder

of the girl that left your reach.

But when I fly over the ocean,

blue as far as the eye can see

I’ll remember your deep blue eyes

when they would just stare into me.

I’ll never regret loving you

But I’ll never regret leaving

It’s the hardest thing I’ve ever done

Painful and unforgiving.

One day it will be worth it though,

That is one thing I can tell

Because you can’t have heaven

Without a little bit of hell.

I am not a poetry writer at all but this actually kind of just happened on accident and I decided to have a little fun with it. Mostly fictional and completely amateur, but hey what the hell, right?

{TSF}