Monthly Archives: August 2012

1,000 Internets (Music Edition)

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I was driving home today in the cool summer nights air when this song came on the radio. After a shitty day with really no end or solution in sight, when I felt so low and beaten down by life this song was the most perfect thing I could have heard. Since I moved out of the small town I grew up in with the endless deserted back rounds I haven’t gotten to drive without a destination in a long time. Sometimes there is no better comfort you can give yourself then the shelter from your own thoughts driving down a quiet road with nothing but you, your music, and perfect summer night air whipping through your body.

A soul in tension — that’s learning to fly
Condition grounded but determined to try
Can’t keep my eyes from the circling skies
Tongue-tied and twisted just an earth-bound misfit, I

Pink Floyd-Learning to fly

{TSF}

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Is it my turn?

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After a long day of sweating a puddle onto my couch, feeling like I was literally melting off of my skeleton I decided to take a late night trip to my best friends house where the plan was to get really stoned and do a little gambling at the casino, you know, a usual Thursday night. However what should have been a lighthearted evening turned into one piece of bad luck after another. On my way to her house as I was driving on the freeway I drove under an overpass that at the exact moment in time a couple of little assholes decided to throw a small boulder off of, which came catapulting down several stories landing on the hood of my car. After I swallowed my heart back into my chest I took my exit and pulled over to survey the damage. Huge dent, covered in scrapes and perfectly aligned to where if I had I had driven by exactly .5 seconds later it would have crashed through my windshield and probably killed me. Great.

Lost my money at the casino. Awesome.

Get back into my car to drive home, headlight is out. COOL.

Today was really all about one blow after another. This whole month has been actually as I’m still recovering from a mysterious illness that landed me in the hospital five days ago, but that I have thankfully almost completely kicked.

Meanwhile my mom calls to tell me totally wonderful news that came through today. News that she has been waiting a long time for that she needs more then anything right now. I couldn’t be happier for her. My roommate just got an awesome promotion that she very much deserves and I am also so happy for her and my other best friend finally found a job that maybe she can enjoy enough to stay in for more then two months. I am happy for everyone but selfishly my subconscious stings just a little bit every time I hear good things happening to those around me while I am still stuck, life unchanged. Of course very shortly after having those feelings I feel immensely guilty for having them as each of these people are good, kind, deserving people who I love more then anything in this world.

“Pray all the time but especially when you are at your most desperate. God has never let me down. I may not have always agreed with his plan, but in the end I saw that it was always the right plan.” These words were from my mother to me today. We are not religious people, I have been to church just a handful of times but my mother has always instilled in me a strong faith. I do believe he is there listening, so I will continue to have hope that soon, my light will come.

I so desperately want to start working again, earning money and feeling useful again. This is really strange for me to be feeling as I have always been comfortable in the fact that I work because I have to not because I want to. I could be unemployed for the rest of my life if I won the lottery and would be perfectly happy until the day I died. But I can’t stand my pockets being empty anymore. There are more people then just myself counting on me and if I fail it is just a domino effect down the ladder and I feel that pressure in my veins each and every day. So tomorrow when the sun rises (or around noon, but who’s counting?) I’ll be back on the trail of each job lead that would be a good fit for me, hoping for the best, waiting for a call. Story of my life…

{TSF}

Dating with children (that arent your own!)

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Yesterday as I sat on her bed and listened to him read bedtime stories that had been read a thousand times before I felt like an outsider looking in on a life that was established a long time ago. I’ve known him for so long but suddenly he looked like a stranger to me, watching this side of him that I’ve never seen before. They were snuggled up, her with her blanket and him with his, working through a bedtime routine that is always done the same way only this time they had a visitor.

Michael has a five year old daughter and many years ago when I met her as just a baby, when him and his ex wife were still together and happy, when I met him as a friend of my boyfriends I never in a thousand years would have ever guessed that now, years down the line I would be finding myself in love with her just as much as I am in love with him. While Michael and I have been together for almost a year, I had only been around her a handful of times, both of us not wanting to make mistakes and move too quickly and end up hurting both her and us. But yesterday was the day. The sun was so hot it was impossible to stay cool, so he brought her to swim in our pool and have some lunch, neither one of us knew that we would soon be letting her in on the bond that we had formed. There were whispers between us what do I say? Is this the right time? What will she say? just do it! And giggles from her when finally I just said it What would you say if I told you I was your daddies girlfriend?

And after the longest pause of my life…

I would say that I like that.

It felt like the biggest weight off my shoulders but at the same time the weight was coming off my shoulders a new weight was already settling in. As I sat there and watched him make dinner and run her bath and especially when I watched him read her those bedtime stories it hit me like a pillowcase full of bricks that if things work out between him and I, I would be the step mother to this beautiful dark haired, bright eyed child before I am ever a mother myself. And there is really no other way to put it other then it scares the shit out of me. Not in a bad way. Just in the way of the unknown. I never would have saw me in this position, dating someone with a child. I always thought I would be jealous and that when I have a child I would want it to be his first child too, but everything I thought I would feel was wrong. I’m not jealous in the least, I look at him with her and my heart does a flip  I’ve never felt before. And I’m not jealous of the life he had before me because, I also had a life before him and even though I didn’t have a child with him, the life I had was just as important.

As I got in my car that night to head home, long after she had fallen asleep, I rolled the windows down lit a cigarette and drove in silence listening to the sound of my tires on the rural back roads. My thoughts were all over the place when one of them hopped out of line and slapped me in the face. Who am I? Who am I to just butt myself into this father-daughter relationship? Who am I to fall in love with this man and set in motion the re-assembling of a life that had been the same for five years? Who am I and will I ever fit into this life that those two have? Who am I to maybe possibly one day marry her daddy? Who am I to one day maybe even bring a sibling into her life after so long of being an only child? And on and on and on my thoughts went.

But at the end of the day as I lay in bed still sagging under the weight of how huge this all was I calmed down and realized that the only reason I felt like an outsider looking in was because I made myself feel that way. They did nothing but make me feel wanted and welcomed, loved even. And after a few (well ok, several) words of advice from my mother who has experience with this of her own, I felt much better which opened me up to be able to feel excitement. Change is terrifying for me, new things are hard for me to take on, but I think I am finally learning how to scoop up those fears up, throw them into the wind, and let life happen instead of forcing it to.

{TSF}