Category Archives: Thoughts that I think

Dating with children (that arent your own!)



Yesterday as I sat on her bed and listened to him read bedtime stories that had been read a thousand times before I felt like an outsider looking in on a life that was established a long time ago. I’ve known him for so long but suddenly he looked like a stranger to me, watching this side of him that I’ve never seen before. They were snuggled up, her with her blanket and him with his, working through a bedtime routine that is always done the same way only this time they had a visitor.

Michael has a five year old daughter and many years ago when I met her as just a baby, when him and his ex wife were still together and happy, when I met him as a friend of my boyfriends I never in a thousand years would have ever guessed that now, years down the line I would be finding myself in love with her just as much as I am in love with him. While Michael and I have been together for almost a year, I had only been around her a handful of times, both of us not wanting to make mistakes and move too quickly and end up hurting both her and us. But yesterday was the day. The sun was so hot it was impossible to stay cool, so he brought her to swim in our pool and have some lunch, neither one of us knew that we would soon be letting her in on the bond that we had formed. There were whispers between us what do I say? Is this the right time? What will she say? just do it! And giggles from her when finally I just said it What would you say if I told you I was your daddies girlfriend?

And after the longest pause of my life…

I would say that I like that.

It felt like the biggest weight off my shoulders but at the same time the weight was coming off my shoulders a new weight was already settling in. As I sat there and watched him make dinner and run her bath and especially when I watched him read her those bedtime stories it hit me like a pillowcase full of bricks that if things work out between him and I, I would be the step mother to this beautiful dark haired, bright eyed child before I am ever a mother myself. And there is really no other way to put it other then it scares the shit out of me. Not in a bad way. Just in the way of the unknown. I never would have saw me in this position, dating someone with a child. I always thought I would be jealous and that when I have a child I would want it to be his first child too, but everything I thought I would feel was wrong. I’m not jealous in the least, I look at him with her and my heart does a flip  I’ve never felt before. And I’m not jealous of the life he had before me because, I also had a life before him and even though I didn’t have a child with him, the life I had was just as important.

As I got in my car that night to head home, long after she had fallen asleep, I rolled the windows down lit a cigarette and drove in silence listening to the sound of my tires on the rural back roads. My thoughts were all over the place when one of them hopped out of line and slapped me in the face. Who am I? Who am I to just butt myself into this father-daughter relationship? Who am I to fall in love with this man and set in motion the re-assembling of a life that had been the same for five years? Who am I and will I ever fit into this life that those two have? Who am I to maybe possibly one day marry her daddy? Who am I to one day maybe even bring a sibling into her life after so long of being an only child? And on and on and on my thoughts went.

But at the end of the day as I lay in bed still sagging under the weight of how huge this all was I calmed down and realized that the only reason I felt like an outsider looking in was because I made myself feel that way. They did nothing but make me feel wanted and welcomed, loved even. And after a few (well ok, several) words of advice from my mother who has experience with this of her own, I felt much better which opened me up to be able to feel excitement. Change is terrifying for me, new things are hard for me to take on, but I think I am finally learning how to scoop up those fears up, throw them into the wind, and let life happen instead of forcing it to.




I’m starting to forget how to even spell the word J.O.B.


Every day for the past 3 days I have sat down at my computer with the intention of updating this here blog and every day I have procrastinated. And each day after a few hours of web surfing I have closed my computer without even starting said blog post.  I  get like that sometimes, where there are too many thoughts running through my head that breaking them down and organizing them and putting words to them is all but impossible. There is really no way around this but to wait patiently, ask myself if I’m ready yet until finally one day I just am.

Life right now is really all about just doing my best to kick my legs and paddle my arms in a desperate attempt to keep my head above water. We are now on month 4 of the unemployed life which is significant because the last time I was unemployed was for exactly 4 months. The last time I was unemployed I spent oh probably 3 months and 3 1/3 weeks doing nothing, least of all not looking for a job but as soon as I did start looking I got one of the first positions I applied for. This time around I have been sending out a minimum of 20 applications a week for at least 4 weeks now and have received 1 call and 1 interview and since I am still firmly planted on the couch, you can probably guess what the outcome of that was. It is getting increasingly difficult to not get discouraged or scared or frustrated because of the severe lack of response to my resume. Everything I am applying for I am qualified for, in a reasonable distance to my house, and am confident in my ability to do the job based on the initial descriptions but none of that really matters if no one will even give me an interview.

I always used to say that I could be unemployed for the rest of my life and never have a problem with it, and while that still rings true, I am ready to start making money again! To at least attempt to be a productive member of society, to not be indebted to every person around me. As each day goes on I feel a little worse about myself and my inability apparently to keep a job. I need something good to come my way, and while I’m doing my best to wait patiently, I hope it comes soon. If it doesn’t come soon, I am going to seriously need to explore other options, like getting into a trade school that would have me in and out and making a decent paycheck in 6-9 months.

The stress of being unemployed coupled with endless family drama and feeling like I am slipping into a depression that I really want nothing to do with is making it virtually impossible for me to get a good nights sleep. Either I can’t fall asleep, or I can’t stay asleep, or I’m finally sleeping good and then I have a horrendous nightmare that wakes me with a start as I’m dripping with sweat. The core of my well being rests on sleep and if I’m not getting it, every other aspect in my life suffers.

I have been having a row of bad days but this is not what has been common for the past 4 months. In general I have been extremely appreciative of the time I’ve had off. I’ve spent more time writing and reading then I have in a very, very long time. I have been able to spend more quality time with Michael then I have since I was unemployed before, and that was before we were officially dating, and that is something I am very grateful for. I have been allowed time to myself which is something I didn’t have nearly enough of when I was working, as I live with a roommate. Which is never a bad thing as I love her very much, but sometimes to keep a balance within yourself you need some time alone. That is something I will very much miss when I finally do get a job.

Through this all I have really just tried to remind myself every day how it could always be worse. The last time I was unemployed I was living on my own and paying hundreds more in monthly living expenses, and this time if I pinch every penny I can just pay all of my bills for the month which is something I am very thankful for. And I really just want to make sure that I don’t spend too much of my little extended vacation wallowing in self pity, I want to make sure I wake up every morning and remember everything in this life that I have to be grateful for and just take it one day at a time. And if all else fails I hear cam whoring is a very lucrative business.


Jet plane


Put me on a jet plane 

send me speeding through the sky

nothing with me but my carry on packed full of what I couldn’t leave behind.

I spent years stifled in a life forced upon me

and in a few hours I’ll land in a place

where even the thought of you hasn’t graced its space.

I’ll send you knick knacks from the city

And postcards from the beach

just an occasional reminder

of the girl that left your reach.

But when I fly over the ocean,

blue as far as the eye can see

I’ll remember your deep blue eyes

when they would just stare into me.

I’ll never regret loving you

But I’ll never regret leaving

It’s the hardest thing I’ve ever done

Painful and unforgiving.

One day it will be worth it though,

That is one thing I can tell

Because you can’t have heaven

Without a little bit of hell.

I am not a poetry writer at all but this actually kind of just happened on accident and I decided to have a little fun with it. Mostly fictional and completely amateur, but hey what the hell, right?



Split families and graduations


A couple of weeks ago Michael invited me to his sisters high school graduation. This would be the first time I would be meeting his dad and his extended family and I was understandably, incredibly nervous. But I sucked it up and I decided to make the best of it and try not to let my fears of failure overcome the situation. In the end it was a wonderful experience. I have never felt so welcomed by such a warm family in my life. The experience I had with my last parent-in-laws was not a good one to say the least and I was so nervous that this would just be the same old thing replaying all over again. His family is dominated by strong, intelligent and warm women who remind me a lot of my own mother. I was so relieved by the night was over but it was easy not to dwell on it as my heart was on something else entirely.

Michael’s parents have been divorced for quite awhile. Michael was in high school by the time they divorced but his sister was still very young. Immediately following the split his parents moved to different states and his father spent years of silence living his own life with the woman he left his mother for. One of the things I’ll always remember Michael saying about his dad was one day early in our relationship when talking about family, he said “my dad is a good person, just a very selfish person.” After years of distance for one reason or another his dad started coming around more, calling more often, visiting a couple of times a year and trying all around to be more involved. Michael was receptive to this and slowly they began to mend their relationship, Michael’s sister on the other hand has been hesitant to do the same. Being a woman who has gone through the same thing with my own father just years older I understand completely why she wouldn’t be too receptive to his efforts. However, this being her high school graduation he flew up to watch her walk.

The first thing I saw (lets just call her K) do when she walked up to the giant group of family in front of her all cheering and clapping was put a huge smile on her face and walk directly toward her dad. They hugged for a long time, she came close to losing it but did a good job of keeping it together. I watched them and I felt a deep sadness that I could not have had the same thing. This is a large family with a long history with this man who is their father but instead of separation and coldness they put smiles on their faces and welcomed him to join the celebration for their daughter. I’m not saying everything was rainbows and butterflies but every single person stayed quiet and polite, he even took a picture with K’s mom and him together. I think it showed hugely what their character is and I was so happy that K got to have her whole family together for this occasion. There were no pieces missing, every one banned together to make it as special of a graduation as they could. But through my happiness for her was a pain in my heart that I’ve felt for a long time.

My dad left just a few months before my graduation. I spent my whole life with an intact family, a father who was the best father I could have asked for and in an instant all of that was ripped from me a long with countless other things. I tried my hardest not to let what happened effect my school work and it didn’t, I graduated with good grades. My mom asked me if I wanted him to be in the stands at my graduation. I thought about this for a long time. On one hand I was so broken apart emotionally I hated him, I was angrier then I had ever been in my life, I was crushed that the father I had my entire life was gone and worst of all he was gone and didn’t want me to follow him. On the other hand, he had been an active participant in my schooling since kindergarten, usually more active then my mother. I didn’t want to think back years later and remember that he was not able to watch me walk, I didn’t want it to be my call that I didn’t let him come. So I gave my mother the ticket and I told her to give it to him, but that I didn’t want to know if he was there or not. I didn’t want to think about him on my day even though I knew that my mind would be on nothing else.

The day of my graduation was very difficult for me. I woke up in the morning with so much pain in my heart and I went to bed that night with even more. I broke down before we even left for the ceremony, yelling at my mother and bursting into tears. I remember walking down the street, trying to calm myself like I used to always do not knowing why I snapped on my mother but knowing that it really had nothing to do with her. Normally this kind of situation would have caused even more yelling and the entire day would have been ruined and I would be blamed for it, but for the first time, maybe ever my mom allowed me to have my breakdown and then talked to me calmly. She told me she knew this was hard for me and that she was sorry, she helped me calm down and we continued with the day. It is maybe the only major free pass she had ever given me and I will never forget that.

After the graduation practice all of the graduating class was standing out in front of the amphitheater waiting for the families to show up. Before long, families and friends started flooding in to take their seats and I looked for my small group consisting of my mom, sister and her family, my boyfriend and a friend. I didn’t see them right away but who I did see navigating through the crowd was my father, program in hand, pants neatly ironed. I saw him and my heart threw out an aching jolt and I turned away, hiding myself behind a crowd standing near by. That was the only time I saw him that day, I listened for his voice in the crowd as my name was called but never remember hearing it. That next time I saw him was about a year later when my niece was in the hospital having a kidney removed. He also said nothing to me that day.

My senior year of high school had to be one of the worst years of my life but I will always remember the effort my mom put into making my graduation as special as she could. There was an absence there that couldn’t be mended by any of us and we were all still learning how to live without him, but the day was full of every one else that loved me at that time. I am so glad that K got to have the memories of her father incorporated into the rest of her family for her graduation. No matter how she feels about him right now, one day she will look back and be forever grateful that she allowed him to come. I am to this day grateful that my father came, even if he made himself invisible like I requested just knowing he was in the audience means a lot to me. That will probably be the last one of my major life events that he will ever be apart of. I can’t describe the pain that brings me but I am glad that he at least did that even if it was more for him then for me.


The two BF’s (Bestfriends and Boyfriends


My roommate and I moved last weekend. We have been together for a year and consider each other soul roommates. We have been best friends since we were fourteen but the experience that we have shared living together has made her my family for life. It is of course a big adjustment going from a decent sized house to a two bedroom apartment but we chose a good apartment complex and we are very happy here. The lease we signed was for eleven months which brings me to the next bullet point of…

Was it the right decision to sign an eleven month lease? Things between Michael and I are through the roof amazing and what if we felt we wanted to make a further commitment before that time is up? One of the things we have had many conversations about is when is it a good time to move in together? We have been officially dating for eight months but steadily seeing each other for a year before that. My love for him has exceeded anything that I ever thought was possible and the potential for this to continue to grow more serious is there. I love him, but one thing that I am extremely hesitant about is moving in with someone. What I am about to say would probably really confuse most any one that knows me as I am about the most nonreligious person on this planet but I really feel like I do not want to move in with someone until I am married, or at least until an engagement. This is based on quite a few factors a few of them being:

-I lived with my ex boyfriend for three years and we had previously been together for four before (For, Four, Before oh my!) moving in together and I can say with 100% confidence that he would not have ever married me. If we had not broken up when we did for the reasons we did I would have ended up leaving him because he would not marry me. He got comfortable, had all the benefits of a wife, why would he run right out and get a ring? I really really hate to say it but I fully believe in why buy the cow if you can get the milk for free? I didn’t put that in quotations or site any one as I’m fairly certain I just made that saying entirely up.

-When said ex boyfriend and I broke up it felt as much as I can imagine a divorce would feel like. Besides court fees, hearings and divorce attorney’s what we went through was every bit of a divorce. This month will actually be two years since we have broken up and I am mostly over it however remembering back to the time of complete chaos, virtually being without a home for two months and every single thing that followed still makes my stomach turn and a tear want to escape my eye. It was painful, one of the most painful things I have ever been through and I want to do all I can to protect my heart from the same beating it has took before.The pain almost killed me once and I don’t ever want to go through that again.

-I used to think that it was better to live with a person before you are married to see if you are even compatible living together before you make it permanent, but now having lived through it I have to say I no longer believe that. When you live with a person before you marry them you think that you are actively taking steps to prevent a terrible occurrence such as a divorce because living together can be terminated at mostly any time but you have no idea the pain and the anger and the completely life changing event that this takes on you. When you find the person you want to marry, the person who makes you feel like no one else ever has, the person that you can bare your soul to you’ll know if you can be compatible living together without ever having to give it a test run first.

-I love living with my roommate. I know for a lot of friends moving in together would be the death of any well meaning friendship but it did nothing but bring us closer, make us happier and never want to leave each other. Which would be fine… if neither one of us ever planned on marrying or in her case living with someone as she is not able to get married quite yet in our state but hopefully that will change soon. The reason I signed such a long lease and felt confident in that decision was for her, for us. To not only give myself more time before I possibly commit my life to someone for the long term but to also give her and I at least that, 11 more months. I don’t know what the future has in store as far as this goes but we would prefer to be living on a compound with both of our spouses and children in the future, now we just have to convince the rest of the world that this is socially acceptable and beneficial.

Basically the only arguments I have on the side of living together before marriage is that I am not a structured, rule following person and I believe when it comes to love you need to lead with your heart, live in the moment and do what you know will make you happy. Build strong loving memories that you will either look back on in the arms of each other twenty years from now with pride or look back on from the next chapter that was written in your book with warmness  for something that once brought you so much happiness.

Neither way is wrong and I wish that I had all the right answers to all the questions that would ensure we make this last but I don’t, he doesn’t. So we are left to take it as it comes, act in the moment and put love above anything else. I used to think that love wasn’t enough and really, it isn’t a lot of the time. Not when people use it to hide behind, use love like a shield to protect them from all wrong doing simply because they think that should be enough. No, love is not enough but love is everything and without it your relationship is nothing. You can make changes and work hard to make another person happy, to fulfill their needs but you cannot change anything if the premise of love is no where to be seen.

Taking a breather


I have been home unemployed for less then a week and I have gone through so many emotions I would rival any schizophrenic. Above all an overwhelming undertone of loser-dom is at the top of my list. I feel like a failure, like a loser, incompetent, incapable, bad, wrong, etc. I have spent a lot of time laying awake, beating myself up, getting stoned out of my mind so that I can feel something other then self hatred. I’ve been eating like a bulimic minus the throwing up and smoking like its going out of style. I’ve been waiting anxiously on the edge of my chest just waiting to hear if I will be approved for unemployment or if I will be left with no income at all. I got word today that the claim is one step closer. Still not approved, but on its way. For some reason I woke up today and when I opened my eyes I felt like today needed to be different.  I got my final paycheck today which was more then I expected, my roommate and best friend came home from her weeks vacation, word from unemployment that I was one step closer. Today it felt a little easier to breathe.

And that is when I decided that tomorrow, I begin to reclaim myself. I allow myself a week to feel at my lowest, to beat myself up and ask why me and try to process what happened and ask what to do next. But now that week is coming to an end and I am determined to make the absolute best I possibly can out of this situation. I would hardly say that getting fired is a gift, but sometimes you can turn it into one. It is no secret that I don’t like to work. I never have and I probably never will. I have enjoyed jobs, I have excelled and succeed but I have never stop living in dream land and started living in career mode. I do not feel personally satisfied and successful when I am rewarded at work, I feel my success from taking a great picture or cooking a great meal or staying up laughing all night with my best friends over nothing. I feel successful with my hand intertwined with my Micheal’s, with weaving imperfect words perfectly together, 0r in a 100 degree room locked in the tree pose. These are all things that make me feel alive and happy and right. These are the things I want to pursue in life and all things that normally have to go on the back burner when im burnt out from working a full time job.

I am a person that is easily satisfied with a roof over my head, love in my life, passion in my heart and empty pockets. Sure, I like money. Who doesn’t? But money does not define me. It does not drive me, money is a necessary evil that I enjoying taking a part in when I am so lucky as to have some. Enough money to cover my basics and have a little left over is fine by me. Which is why if my unemployment is approved and I am able to cover the necessary needs I fully intend to go on some major soul searching. I need to create! I need to dig deep inside myself and push myself to be a better person. I need this time.

I am going to go get my camera out of pawn tomorrow. It has been there for almost a year and I have felt fully empty without it. Is now the best time to spend the money to get it out? Of course not, but I need it. I can’t imagine spending my summer unemployed with out it. I need to create, I need to document, I need to get back into something that fulfills me more then anything else. I am joining a gym and spending my days there instead of laying on my couch watching bad tv. I need to work the aggression out to allow my mind to be loose again. I want to push myself physically while growing mentally. I want my outside to match my inside, free, alive, young and capable. I want to start projects and actually finish them, I want to grow deeper in my love with Michael, I want to take our relationship to such great heights. I am going to make more time for my friends. Friends that I have not been very fair to recently, often ignoring calls and going weeks without seeing. These friends are friends that I have worked so hard for and I refuse to let our friendships go anywhere but up.

My hope is that if I spend this time that I have been given in a positive manner, learning, growing, searching that when the time comes to move on, to either enter school or find a new job that I will have a better grip on reality. That I will be able to devote myself more fully to a career without my heart aching to be out living life. I have been sitting here alone saying what do I do now? Where do I go from here? And to be completely frank, I have no fucking clue! I don’t know what to do from here. If I just went back to another job in the same industry, doing the same thing I’ve done for years all the while hating it inside, the outcome will be the same. I will be sitting here a few months from now in the same position saying how did I lose THREE jobs in two years? So I believe that I owe this to myself. To take some time out before I take my next step so that I can actually achieve what I know I am capable of.




Today the first snow of the season fell. As we were sleeping in the darkness in our soft beds of feathers the quiet snow flakes fell into the grass beneath our windows. And when I woke up and opened my eyes I knew what had happened as the shocking white made the reflection on my walls brighter then usual. This is a day I dread every year. A day that I wish against as the news casters promise and then promise again. A day that as the city is bustling with excitement and anticipation for the little snow we get each and every year, I whisper words of hope that God wont let it happen. And while children burst at the seams with joy for the flakes soft and cold I prepare my heart for the flakes of sadness that will soon creep in and stay until the final mounds have melted from the streets.

Through my childhood there were different things about my mother and father that I recognized and held close to me. Things that even as a young girl I realized I would cherish as I grew older and when I thought about these things would bring warm feelings of love and security. And to this day every time I think about my childhood with my father it is snow that comes to the forefront of my mind. Snow. So simple, something so natural and expected. Something that happens every year but for him, each time was like the first time he had ever experienced it. Standing at the living room window in the evening before bed, curtains drawn back, streetlights casting a soft glow on our faces as we watched in awe at the falling crystals. Standing in the back yard all bundled up, coffee in his hand, hot chocolate in mine quietly watching as the snow coated every exposed surface. Driving to the store through the abandoned streets, stopping in an empty parking lot as he would jerk the wheel to make the car spin, filling the truck with squeels of laughter and feelings of rebellion.

One of, if not my fondest memory of my father was one night when I was probably 15 or so. The snow fall had been abnormally heavy for our area of Washington and I had been off school for a few days. It was fairly late in the evening, probably 10 or so and I was already in my pajamas yawning and ready to sleep. He asked me if I would like to go for a walk in the snow, just around the block. Just to look at the beauty of what the universe is capable of. I jumped at the opportunity, as at this point in my life my fathers participation in all things me, had dwindled and our relationship had changed. I put on my snow boots and wrapped a scarf around my neck and as we opened the door to step out into the freezing streets I wish I would have known that this memory I would hold dearest to my heart as things exploded and he walked out of my life. We walked side by side, looping through the neighborhood streets, enjoying each others company, recalling the way that things used to be when I was younger and I was his girl. I know that at some point he began talking to me, words of advice I know is what he was saying but as I strain to recall what was said on that night there is nothing but silence that meets my ears. I cant remember what was said, the memory for me is silent and purely visual. The clear black sky with a million stars shining down on us. The soft orangy glow of the street  lights falling on the white ground. The footsteps we left behind us as we traveled on through the snowy sidewalks that no one had bothered clearing. His silhouette next to me, head and shoulders taller. It was the one and only time he had ever asked me to go for a walk with him in a winter wonderland and I did not take for granted the joy that it brought me. Snow was something that we shared, both of us loving it more then any one else. I walked with him that night, completely oblivious to the fact that I only had 2 short years with him. That at the end of that time, my life would change for ever and I would join the half of the world without a father.

At this point in my life I had already met and fallen in love with Matthew. I was so young, and while my mother supported and encouraged our relationship, I was met with nothing but hesitation from my father. It had nothing to do with Matthew himself. My family loved and accepted him as part of us but it was the simple fact that he had the potential to take my life into his hands. To change the path that my father dreamed of for me. One day the snow had fallen and school was out. He agreed to drive me to Matthews to spend the day at his house. The drive was quiet, with nothing but the soft music playing in the background. When we got the the begining of the private road Matthew lived on my father spoke words that would stay with me forever. Words that even then, in the naiive brain of a 15 year old would hit me so hard I cried silent tears down my cheeks as I closed the truck door behind me.

“I dont want you to stay here” he said. Confused, I started in on a complaint that he had already told me I could spend the day at Matthews. But that wasnt what he meant. He told me he didnt want me to stay in the small town we lived in. He said that he wanted so much more for me, that the world was vast and endless and that I needed to get out and experience everything the world has to offer me. He all but begged me to please, dont settle down with Matthew. To not let young love turn into a life ended too soon by a pregnant belly and a shotgun wedding. He wanted me to go to college away from this place, and if I didnt want to go to college, that I should just go and not come back until I had miles on my feet and experiences to share. That I had the potential to do great things, that would never get done if I allowed myself to stay trapped in the town we lived. I didnt say much back. I took these words in, words that were so out of character for him to speak to me. Words that hit me in a way that would stick with me for the rest of my life and when we arrived at the house of the boy I loved I closed the door to the truck of my fathers and entered the world a different person.

Looking back now, I cant help but feel like these words spoken to me were words coming from a man that knew he wouldnt be around for much longer. Like he was trying to prepare me to be a woman early, knowing that he would not be there when the time came to guide me and offer advice as the need arose. I always knew my mother and father wanted different things for me. My mother wanted me to find a nice man settle down and be a mother. To her, a good mother stayed home which meant that an education wasnt particularly important. To her, this would bring me happiness and fulfillment. My father always wanted me to continue on to college and get a good education. To find something I loved doing while at the same time staying young and living a life that I would hold the memories from dear to my heart as I aged, had a family and settled down. Neither of these things were wrong, they were just different. Parents to the same daughter having different ideas of what they wanted for me.

Snow was falling from the sky the night my father walked out of my life 6 years ago. The world had the quiet calmness to it that only snow can bring on as my world fell around me and life changed forever. He now lives in the mountains of California, back to where he came from. He has a new family now, the children of the woman he lives with. I have not seen him in 6 years and think of him very little. But when the snow graces my world with its presence I cant help but fall apart emotionally. Remembering the times we shared together when I was small, when he was there for me, in my life every single day. When I looked up to him like he was the keeper of all wisdom’s and when I never feared losing him.