Category Archives: Uncategorized

Your only as sick as your secrets

Standard

 

Image

It has been over a month since my last post and it is really alarming how quickly your life can nose dive from a 50 story building directly into the cement below. At some point I’ll delve into details that I’m not ready to explain and let you in on possibly the biggest secret ever in my life. But for now, while my life is in the midst of such chaos and such desperation I will stay quiet. I’ll pop back in here and hopefully soon start writing more consistently but right now I just need to take it a day at a time.

{TSF}

Down at the river

Standard

Image

Several weeks ago when the temperatures had hit triple digits Michael and I searched for relief from the heat in some form of water. I drove down to his mom’s house and he took me to the most amazing little spot off of a nearby river where we had to maneuver our way down the grassy bank to get to the shallow waters below. The day was absolutely beautiful and I will never forget the cool, clear water we sunk ourselves into, the slick moss covered river rocks under our feet, or the closeness I felt to him as we floated quietly next to each other not needing words to entertain ourselves. For most of it I swam topless and we laughed liked we were rebels with no cares in the world.

For the past week I have been living on the edge of a breakdown. Anxious, not sleeping, turning into a bitch that no one wanted to be around, I knew exactly what was going on as I’ve been through the same scenario many times before and so I was unsurprised when I was flung off the edge and thrown into an anxiety attack that threatened not only myself but Michael, and everyone else around me. I haven’t had a breakdown like that in a long time, and quite frankly the way that I treated Michael that night would give him license to walk away and never speak to me again and I couldn’t blame him. But he didn’t.

After his initial anger had subsided some he stayed with me and we talked honestly about what was going on and how we both felt about it. That night as we sat on his back porch under the stars as I cried until my eyes were swollen and painful I got a huge wake up call on how much I love this man and how I will do everything in my power to protect and grow that love. He is so unlike any man I’ve ever been involved with before. He is reassuring and supportive while being firm and unwavering which is something that I am not used to. I am used to being able to manipulate the person I am with to get what I want and being unable to do that with him is both extremely frustrating and so refreshing at the same time.

Michael is one of the most amazing men that I have ever had the pleasure of knowing, let alone sharing a relationship with and each day that goes by our relationship is strengthened. It is such a new experience for me to be in this perpetual process of learning and growing with each other. Since that night on his back porch my chest no longer feels like it is being gripped by a fist of doom, I feel more at peace then I have in too long and while I am obviously still stressed and anxious a renewed sense of hope has taken place in side of me again. I am more relieved then I could ever express.

That night as we laid in bed, him gently snoring next to me I got lost in that day at the river. Looking into his eyes as we stood at opposite ends of the bank brought this feeling that started in my stomach and radiated through my limbs, into my bones. I have found a man that is strong enough to be my rock yet sensitive enough to make my heart swell with happiness. And for that, I think I am pretty damn lucky.

{TSF}

What can I say that I haven’t said before?

Standard

I’m finally able to blog after weeks with no internet and even though I’ve missed it I have sat here and stared at this screened trying to figure out exactly what to say. What can I say that I haven’t said before?

Image

I can say that August was a challenging month and September has started just as challenging. I was hoping that once September hit things might even out a little bit and maybe even start looking up, however that was just a foolish notion. The stress that I’ve felt wrapped around my neck the past five months has moved into me, through my body, into my bones. I feel lost and I am quickly losing hope.

I can say that I had my birthday at the end of August. The big 24. I laid in my bed the night before my birthday and I thought of what I have at the age of 24. And really, I have nothing. Yes I have a boyfriend, and a family, and my best friends but as far as personal accomplishments the list is pretty short. I am unemployed, I have no family of my own, I have no education, I have no money, I have nothing that I can say look! Look at what I’ve done! The next morning when I woke up, my cable and internet was shut off. Just what I needed.

I can say that as much as I appreciate the support from those around me, if one more person tells me it is going to get better I might punch them. Yes, sure things are going to get better however unless you can tell me a specific date and time I really have no interest in hearing it any more. “It’s just a funk”, “Your going through a hard time, but it will get better!”, “It could be worse!” and yes, while these things are most likely true it is hard to look at this time in my life as just a funk. This time in my life has been hell. It has dragged me through gravel and hung me off a cliff by my neck. It has bruised and beaten my confidence, my self worth, my pride, my integrity. This time has begun to make me turn on myself, to have feelings towards myself that I haven’t had in a very long time. Words from past others resonate in my head and it makes me sick to think that my life has turned this direction once again.

This last month has been hard. One thing after another. Get over one health scare? Here’s another one for you! Have a really awesome promising interview at a place that you would give a kidney to work at? NAH! Just kidding you don’t get the job! Short on money? Go ahead and do something really stupid to make it worse for yourself!

Sometimes when I sit alone at night and reflect on all that’s going on (or not going on) around me I think don’t fight it, because you deserve it. I think, stop trying to fight your genetics, your upbringing this is who your destined to be. I think those people were right, your never going to be anything anyways so why are you trying to fight it so hard? I feel useless, I feel hopeless, I feel like I have nothing to offer anyone.

ImageOh look little unsuspecting bird, life is about to eat you alive.

I can also say though, that of course everything is not all bad. I try to stay positive, God do I try. I try to look ahead, I search for jobs the hardest I can, I don’t let others see me cry, I try with all the strength that I have to improve my situation but it feels like when any one little sliver of hope is dangled in front of my face, it is ripped away faster then course hair in a waxing salon.

Later I will write about good things. Things that have made me smile recently, the people that help me get through the day to day. But today I just want to write this and leave it as true as I can to the way that I am feeling at this moment. At this moment when I feel like maybe the best thing for me to do would be to pack my car and leave this place and every one that I am bringing down in it. When I get to such a low point like this like I said, I turn on myself and I think that my presence is a burden on every one around me. And if theirs anything about these last five months that I hate the most, it is what it has done to me emotionally. Progress, and changes that have been unraveling one by one. I really don’t know much any more, the only thing I do know is I can’t continue like this. I need something, someone, to give me a chance. Give me some hope. Give me the opportunity to prove that I am a hardworking, independent woman who would do anything for those around her. But then that other part of me butts its head back in and whispers in my ear… why do you deserve a chance? Why do you do deserve anything? Nobody owes you a thing.

{TSF}

Is it my turn?

Standard

After a long day of sweating a puddle onto my couch, feeling like I was literally melting off of my skeleton I decided to take a late night trip to my best friends house where the plan was to get really stoned and do a little gambling at the casino, you know, a usual Thursday night. However what should have been a lighthearted evening turned into one piece of bad luck after another. On my way to her house as I was driving on the freeway I drove under an overpass that at the exact moment in time a couple of little assholes decided to throw a small boulder off of, which came catapulting down several stories landing on the hood of my car. After I swallowed my heart back into my chest I took my exit and pulled over to survey the damage. Huge dent, covered in scrapes and perfectly aligned to where if I had I had driven by exactly .5 seconds later it would have crashed through my windshield and probably killed me. Great.

Lost my money at the casino. Awesome.

Get back into my car to drive home, headlight is out. COOL.

Today was really all about one blow after another. This whole month has been actually as I’m still recovering from a mysterious illness that landed me in the hospital five days ago, but that I have thankfully almost completely kicked.

Meanwhile my mom calls to tell me totally wonderful news that came through today. News that she has been waiting a long time for that she needs more then anything right now. I couldn’t be happier for her. My roommate just got an awesome promotion that she very much deserves and I am also so happy for her and my other best friend finally found a job that maybe she can enjoy enough to stay in for more then two months. I am happy for everyone but selfishly my subconscious stings just a little bit every time I hear good things happening to those around me while I am still stuck, life unchanged. Of course very shortly after having those feelings I feel immensely guilty for having them as each of these people are good, kind, deserving people who I love more then anything in this world.

“Pray all the time but especially when you are at your most desperate. God has never let me down. I may not have always agreed with his plan, but in the end I saw that it was always the right plan.” These words were from my mother to me today. We are not religious people, I have been to church just a handful of times but my mother has always instilled in me a strong faith. I do believe he is there listening, so I will continue to have hope that soon, my light will come.

I so desperately want to start working again, earning money and feeling useful again. This is really strange for me to be feeling as I have always been comfortable in the fact that I work because I have to not because I want to. I could be unemployed for the rest of my life if I won the lottery and would be perfectly happy until the day I died. But I can’t stand my pockets being empty anymore. There are more people then just myself counting on me and if I fail it is just a domino effect down the ladder and I feel that pressure in my veins each and every day. So tomorrow when the sun rises (or around noon, but who’s counting?) I’ll be back on the trail of each job lead that would be a good fit for me, hoping for the best, waiting for a call. Story of my life…

{TSF}

A Prideful Sunday

Standard

Yesterday was a beautiful day spent in Seattle celebrating some of the people closest to me at the annual PRIDE parade! The weather had been terrible the entire week prior but once Sunday rolled along the clouds parted and we were allowed a few hours of sunshine to laugh and dance and be in the presence of thousands of people supporting the gay community! I have been the past several years and while it has always been an amazing time this year seemed just a little bit more important in the scheme of things given the political events that have been happening very recently. But all in all it was a day filled with familiar traditions and relaxed fun.

The only thing I can say was different about this year as opposed to the last few was that while there are always a few protesters scattered here and there they are usually peaceful and just stand there and hold their stupid signs outside of the parade, but this year they apparently grew a larger set of balls and stood at the entrance of the Seattle center waiting for everyone to pour in. While in previous years I cant remember the protesters ever  even speaking, and the festival goers leaving them alone for the most part, this year there was hate being spewed at each other from both sides. I am in no way defending the protesters or saying what they stand for is acceptable, however they spewed their hate verbally when they were provoked by festival goers spewing their own brand of hate in their direction. I’m also not saying that the way they dealt with the protesters was wrong, everyone handles things differently but in my opinion, by those who are gay or gay supporters spewing hateful words and even throwing things and threatening physical harm they are doing nothing to help their community. If we are disapproving of the way they convey their hate for the gay community, and their views on keeping marriage between only a man and a woman, and if we are promoting Pride as a festival of love and freedom then we are doing nothing but sinking to their level of hatred while using their tactics and in my opinion that is very wrong.

Of course not everyone handled the confrontation the same way there were plenty of Pride patrons peacefully standing close to the protestors with their own signs. I saw quite a few people attempting a calm debates which I think is pretty much useless but more power to them for expressing their displeasure with the actions of those who wish to treat them like second class citizens. I remember looking around at the few young white male protestors and catching eyes with one who couldn’t have been over the age of 18. His father was clearly standing across from him and the boy had such a look of genuine fear in his eyes, his life was being threatened by hundreds of people as he stood there and I just felt for him. Maybe he didn’t want to be there but was forced to, maybe he was gay himself, and maybe he was exactly who he claimed to be but either way it was clear that his actions were not being performed by free will and choice.

All in all the day was wonderful and everyone got a renewed sense of how amazing the city we live in is. There are so many people around the country that have not got to experience such a huge celebration of pride and freedom in their own cities. Hopefully one day that will change and 40 years from now we will be looking back on this attack of human rights with a sigh of relief.

{TSF}

Time well spent

Standard

Things I have accomplished in the 11 weeks I have been unemployed:

-I have watched every episode of Storage Wars, Lockup, Real housewives and Millionaire matchmaker. And I have watched the daytime Roseanne marathons for so many days in a row the episodes have looped around and I am now watching repeat repeats.

-I finished the entire last season of House which ended with snot pouring out of my nose hysterically crying at 2am.

-I have put an enormous amount of time and effort into growing my hair including but not limited to massaging my scalp, using horse shampoo, and talking in a delicate voice to my hair follicles encouraging them to grow like the big grown up hair follicles that they are. So far my mane is noticeably thicker, longer and healthier but I haven’t seen much growth in my tail but it has only been a couple of weeks…

-Smoked my weight in Marijuana (per day)

-Thinking a lot about losing weight and working out although I’m not quite yet ready to move the process along. I’m going to need to put a lot more time in the thinking department before I’m ready for that.

-Spent a whooooole lot of time on the internet, Hey look! A Kitten!

Other then that my days have been filled with keeping the house picked up, smoking and soaking up what little sun we’ve had on the balcony, and sex. A lot of sex. Of course all of this was done after I met the mandatory guidelines for job search as per the requirements listed on page 14 in the booklet for Washington state. All in all I’d say I’ve made fantastic use of the exceptional amounts of free time I have had. In other news Seattle PRIDE is this weekend, fingers crossed for good weather!

{TSF}

Best friends and quiet summer days

Standard

This picture was taken two years ago this summer. Like all of my pictures I look at this and can remember that exact moment that it was taken. I was with my best friend Aaron, the same best friend who had opened his home to me when I had no where else to go. The same best friend that I met through my ex boyfriend and was so concerned that the end of my relationship meant the end of my friendship with someone who meant so much to me, but that never happened. The guy that I was seeing immediately after my breakup had taken me to this hidden spot along the green river just a couple of weeks before I took Aaron there.   This day was a much needed relief from the daily agony that I was dealing with in every aspect of my life. Aaron and I hiked to this spot, claimed two rocks and sat in the silence listening only to the rushing water going on right under our feet. We read for a while and chain smoked talking about life, having one of those conversations that only we could have. I took a lot of pictures that day and this is the only one of the scenery as I typically do not like nature photography.

I haven’t seen Aaron in about a year but we talk almost every day. We have been through so much together and I will always hold him extremely close to my heart. Aaron was a person who saw the real me hidden beneath the lost woman I was trying to be, he gently tried to pull me out of my shell before I ever even knew that I was walking around with said shell wrapped tightly around my neck. He was there for me, he pushed me out of my comfort zone so many times but in such a gentle way that I went with it. A year or two before this picture was taken he was beaten by a group of men while he was walking home from a club on capitol hill. They beat him to the ground spewing every homophobic slur you can think of and only ran away when a couple walked by and scared them off. He went to the hospital and called the next morning telling us what happened, we drove up to Seattle to be with him immediately.  I will never forget the look in his eyes behind the split lip, swollen shut eye and cuts all over. I cried while I cleaned him up and re bandaged him and he cried when he saw I was.

We may not get to see each other very often but I he will always been one of my best friends and I will always be there for him no matter where I am or what I am doing. Aaron was my rock for so many years when I was lost and alone and I have been there for him in the same way. I can say with full confidence that he is a person who helped me turn in to the woman that I am today and I will forever love and cherish him for that.

{TSF}