Every day for the past 3 days I have sat down at my computer with the intention of updating this here blog and every day I have procrastinated. And each day after a few hours of web surfing I have closed my computer without even starting said blog post. I get like that sometimes, where there are too many thoughts running through my head that breaking them down and organizing them and putting words to them is all but impossible. There is really no way around this but to wait patiently, ask myself if I’m ready yet until finally one day I just am.
Life right now is really all about just doing my best to kick my legs and paddle my arms in a desperate attempt to keep my head above water. We are now on month 4 of the unemployed life which is significant because the last time I was unemployed was for exactly 4 months. The last time I was unemployed I spent oh probably 3 months and 3 1/3 weeks doing nothing, least of all not looking for a job but as soon as I did start looking I got one of the first positions I applied for. This time around I have been sending out a minimum of 20 applications a week for at least 4 weeks now and have received 1 call and 1 interview and since I am still firmly planted on the couch, you can probably guess what the outcome of that was. It is getting increasingly difficult to not get discouraged or scared or frustrated because of the severe lack of response to my resume. Everything I am applying for I am qualified for, in a reasonable distance to my house, and am confident in my ability to do the job based on the initial descriptions but none of that really matters if no one will even give me an interview.
I always used to say that I could be unemployed for the rest of my life and never have a problem with it, and while that still rings true, I am ready to start making money again! To at least attempt to be a productive member of society, to not be indebted to every person around me. As each day goes on I feel a little worse about myself and my inability apparently to keep a job. I need something good to come my way, and while I’m doing my best to wait patiently, I hope it comes soon. If it doesn’t come soon, I am going to seriously need to explore other options, like getting into a trade school that would have me in and out and making a decent paycheck in 6-9 months.
The stress of being unemployed coupled with endless family drama and feeling like I am slipping into a depression that I really want nothing to do with is making it virtually impossible for me to get a good nights sleep. Either I can’t fall asleep, or I can’t stay asleep, or I’m finally sleeping good and then I have a horrendous nightmare that wakes me with a start as I’m dripping with sweat. The core of my well being rests on sleep and if I’m not getting it, every other aspect in my life suffers.
I have been having a row of bad days but this is not what has been common for the past 4 months. In general I have been extremely appreciative of the time I’ve had off. I’ve spent more time writing and reading then I have in a very, very long time. I have been able to spend more quality time with Michael then I have since I was unemployed before, and that was before we were officially dating, and that is something I am very grateful for. I have been allowed time to myself which is something I didn’t have nearly enough of when I was working, as I live with a roommate. Which is never a bad thing as I love her very much, but sometimes to keep a balance within yourself you need some time alone. That is something I will very much miss when I finally do get a job.
Through this all I have really just tried to remind myself every day how it could always be worse. The last time I was unemployed I was living on my own and paying hundreds more in monthly living expenses, and this time if I pinch every penny I can just pay all of my bills for the month which is something I am very thankful for. And I really just want to make sure that I don’t spend too much of my little extended vacation wallowing in self pity, I want to make sure I wake up every morning and remember everything in this life that I have to be grateful for and just take it one day at a time. And if all else fails I hear cam whoring is a very lucrative business.