Almost two years ago I was sitting in a nearly empty apartment with nothing but my bed clear from boxes upon boxes stacked from floor to ceiling. After two months of no place to call my own I had finally signed the lease to an apartment, my very first apartment alone but the last thing I felt was happiness to be where I was. I was at one of the lowest points in my life and I was alone, so painfully alone but I had to smile! And be happy! And pump my fist in the air after I jogged the steps leading into my apartment because I had done it! This is exactly what I wanted, a place that was only mine, free to do whatever and whoever I pleased but if this is true, then why am I so painfully lonely and scared? After my ex boyfriend and his friend had moved the last of my boxes into my tiny one bedroom apartment I said goodbye, closed the door, sat in the middle of my mattress and cried and cried until my eyes were swollen shut and I felt like I could flood the world with the amount of pain that was inside my body at that very moment in time. I cried until the darkness finally took me to sleep and when I woke the next morning in a room so utterly foreign to me I was determined to start getting things in order to make it feel like my home instead of a strangers house that I had accidentally stumbled drunk into at 4 the previous morning.
Before I started unpacking that day I took a trip to Walmart to get a few things I needed for the apartment and while I was there I bought a tiny two speaker CD player and one CD since I couldn’t afford much and I was too afraid to listen to any of the Cd’s I already had because every word of every song made me think of one time or another when I wasn’t alone and life was normal and happy. The CD I bought that day was Mumford and Sons- Sigh no more. I had no cable or internet yet so my only option to break the deafening silence while I was unpacking was that CD or the radio but I never had to tune in a radio station because I put that CD in when I got home and did not stop listening to it over and over and over again for at least a month. It was a CD written for me at the exact moment of time that I was going through all of this, the album is literally perfect front to back. I’d like to think it did a lot for me though, good and bad. I really think that CD is what helped me through so much of the healing process after the breakup and I will never forget that.
Anyways, the point of this whole thing was that this song came on my roommates Ipod when I was taking a shower today and I stood in the shower listening to his voice and I got lost in a moment of time that happened almost 2 years ago in a whole different city, in what seems now like a whole different life. Amazing how music can get you like that.
white blank page and a swelling rage, rage
You did not think when you sent me to the brink, to the brink
You desired my attention but denied my affections, my affections