My roommate and I moved last weekend. We have been together for a year and consider each other soul roommates. We have been best friends since we were fourteen but the experience that we have shared living together has made her my family for life. It is of course a big adjustment going from a decent sized house to a two bedroom apartment but we chose a good apartment complex and we are very happy here. The lease we signed was for eleven months which brings me to the next bullet point of…
Was it the right decision to sign an eleven month lease? Things between Michael and I are through the roof amazing and what if we felt we wanted to make a further commitment before that time is up? One of the things we have had many conversations about is when is it a good time to move in together? We have been officially dating for eight months but steadily seeing each other for a year before that. My love for him has exceeded anything that I ever thought was possible and the potential for this to continue to grow more serious is there. I love him, but one thing that I am extremely hesitant about is moving in with someone. What I am about to say would probably really confuse most any one that knows me as I am about the most nonreligious person on this planet but I really feel like I do not want to move in with someone until I am married, or at least until an engagement. This is based on quite a few factors a few of them being:
-I lived with my ex boyfriend for three years and we had previously been together for four before (For, Four, Before oh my!) moving in together and I can say with 100% confidence that he would not have ever married me. If we had not broken up when we did for the reasons we did I would have ended up leaving him because he would not marry me. He got comfortable, had all the benefits of a wife, why would he run right out and get a ring? I really really hate to say it but I fully believe in why buy the cow if you can get the milk for free? I didn’t put that in quotations or site any one as I’m fairly certain I just made that saying entirely up.
-When said ex boyfriend and I broke up it felt as much as I can imagine a divorce would feel like. Besides court fees, hearings and divorce attorney’s what we went through was every bit of a divorce. This month will actually be two years since we have broken up and I am mostly over it however remembering back to the time of complete chaos, virtually being without a home for two months and every single thing that followed still makes my stomach turn and a tear want to escape my eye. It was painful, one of the most painful things I have ever been through and I want to do all I can to protect my heart from the same beating it has took before.The pain almost killed me once and I don’t ever want to go through that again.
-I used to think that it was better to live with a person before you are married to see if you are even compatible living together before you make it permanent, but now having lived through it I have to say I no longer believe that. When you live with a person before you marry them you think that you are actively taking steps to prevent a terrible occurrence such as a divorce because living together can be terminated at mostly any time but you have no idea the pain and the anger and the completely life changing event that this takes on you. When you find the person you want to marry, the person who makes you feel like no one else ever has, the person that you can bare your soul to you’ll know if you can be compatible living together without ever having to give it a test run first.
-I love living with my roommate. I know for a lot of friends moving in together would be the death of any well meaning friendship but it did nothing but bring us closer, make us happier and never want to leave each other. Which would be fine… if neither one of us ever planned on marrying or in her case living with someone as she is not able to get married quite yet in our state but hopefully that will change soon. The reason I signed such a long lease and felt confident in that decision was for her, for us. To not only give myself more time before I possibly commit my life to someone for the long term but to also give her and I at least that, 11 more months. I don’t know what the future has in store as far as this goes but we would prefer to be living on a compound with both of our spouses and children in the future, now we just have to convince the rest of the world that this is socially acceptable and beneficial.
Basically the only arguments I have on the side of living together before marriage is that I am not a structured, rule following person and I believe when it comes to love you need to lead with your heart, live in the moment and do what you know will make you happy. Build strong loving memories that you will either look back on in the arms of each other twenty years from now with pride or look back on from the next chapter that was written in your book with warmness for something that once brought you so much happiness.
Neither way is wrong and I wish that I had all the right answers to all the questions that would ensure we make this last but I don’t, he doesn’t. So we are left to take it as it comes, act in the moment and put love above anything else. I used to think that love wasn’t enough and really, it isn’t a lot of the time. Not when people use it to hide behind, use love like a shield to protect them from all wrong doing simply because they think that should be enough. No, love is not enough but love is everything and without it your relationship is nothing. You can make changes and work hard to make another person happy, to fulfill their needs but you cannot change anything if the premise of love is no where to be seen.