Tag Archives: love

Down at the river

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Several weeks ago when the temperatures had hit triple digits Michael and I searched for relief from the heat in some form of water. I drove down to his mom’s house and he took me to the most amazing little spot off of a nearby river where we had to maneuver our way down the grassy bank to get to the shallow waters below. The day was absolutely beautiful and I will never forget the cool, clear water we sunk ourselves into, the slick moss covered river rocks under our feet, or the closeness I felt to him as we floated quietly next to each other not needing words to entertain ourselves. For most of it I swam topless and we laughed liked we were rebels with no cares in the world.

For the past week I have been living on the edge of a breakdown. Anxious, not sleeping, turning into a bitch that no one wanted to be around, I knew exactly what was going on as I’ve been through the same scenario many times before and so I was unsurprised when I was flung off the edge and thrown into an anxiety attack that threatened not only myself but Michael, and everyone else around me. I haven’t had a breakdown like that in a long time, and quite frankly the way that I treated Michael that night would give him license to walk away and never speak to me again and I couldn’t blame him. But he didn’t.

After his initial anger had subsided some he stayed with me and we talked honestly about what was going on and how we both felt about it. That night as we sat on his back porch under the stars as I cried until my eyes were swollen and painful I got a huge wake up call on how much I love this man and how I will do everything in my power to protect and grow that love. He is so unlike any man I’ve ever been involved with before. He is reassuring and supportive while being firm and unwavering which is something that I am not used to. I am used to being able to manipulate the person I am with to get what I want and being unable to do that with him is both extremely frustrating and so refreshing at the same time.

Michael is one of the most amazing men that I have ever had the pleasure of knowing, let alone sharing a relationship with and each day that goes by our relationship is strengthened. It is such a new experience for me to be in this perpetual process of learning and growing with each other. Since that night on his back porch my chest no longer feels like it is being gripped by a fist of doom, I feel more at peace then I have in too long and while I am obviously still stressed and anxious a renewed sense of hope has taken place in side of me again. I am more relieved then I could ever express.

That night as we laid in bed, him gently snoring next to me I got lost in that day at the river. Looking into his eyes as we stood at opposite ends of the bank brought this feeling that started in my stomach and radiated through my limbs, into my bones. I have found a man that is strong enough to be my rock yet sensitive enough to make my heart swell with happiness. And for that, I think I am pretty damn lucky.

{TSF}

Dating with children (that arent your own!)

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Yesterday as I sat on her bed and listened to him read bedtime stories that had been read a thousand times before I felt like an outsider looking in on a life that was established a long time ago. I’ve known him for so long but suddenly he looked like a stranger to me, watching this side of him that I’ve never seen before. They were snuggled up, her with her blanket and him with his, working through a bedtime routine that is always done the same way only this time they had a visitor.

Michael has a five year old daughter and many years ago when I met her as just a baby, when him and his ex wife were still together and happy, when I met him as a friend of my boyfriends I never in a thousand years would have ever guessed that now, years down the line I would be finding myself in love with her just as much as I am in love with him. While Michael and I have been together for almost a year, I had only been around her a handful of times, both of us not wanting to make mistakes and move too quickly and end up hurting both her and us. But yesterday was the day. The sun was so hot it was impossible to stay cool, so he brought her to swim in our pool and have some lunch, neither one of us knew that we would soon be letting her in on the bond that we had formed. There were whispers between us what do I say? Is this the right time? What will she say? just do it! And giggles from her when finally I just said it What would you say if I told you I was your daddies girlfriend?

And after the longest pause of my life…

I would say that I like that.

It felt like the biggest weight off my shoulders but at the same time the weight was coming off my shoulders a new weight was already settling in. As I sat there and watched him make dinner and run her bath and especially when I watched him read her those bedtime stories it hit me like a pillowcase full of bricks that if things work out between him and I, I would be the step mother to this beautiful dark haired, bright eyed child before I am ever a mother myself. And there is really no other way to put it other then it scares the shit out of me. Not in a bad way. Just in the way of the unknown. I never would have saw me in this position, dating someone with a child. I always thought I would be jealous and that when I have a child I would want it to be his first child too, but everything I thought I would feel was wrong. I’m not jealous in the least, I look at him with her and my heart does a flip  I’ve never felt before. And I’m not jealous of the life he had before me because, I also had a life before him and even though I didn’t have a child with him, the life I had was just as important.

As I got in my car that night to head home, long after she had fallen asleep, I rolled the windows down lit a cigarette and drove in silence listening to the sound of my tires on the rural back roads. My thoughts were all over the place when one of them hopped out of line and slapped me in the face. Who am I? Who am I to just butt myself into this father-daughter relationship? Who am I to fall in love with this man and set in motion the re-assembling of a life that had been the same for five years? Who am I and will I ever fit into this life that those two have? Who am I to maybe possibly one day marry her daddy? Who am I to one day maybe even bring a sibling into her life after so long of being an only child? And on and on and on my thoughts went.

But at the end of the day as I lay in bed still sagging under the weight of how huge this all was I calmed down and realized that the only reason I felt like an outsider looking in was because I made myself feel that way. They did nothing but make me feel wanted and welcomed, loved even. And after a few (well ok, several) words of advice from my mother who has experience with this of her own, I felt much better which opened me up to be able to feel excitement. Change is terrifying for me, new things are hard for me to take on, but I think I am finally learning how to scoop up those fears up, throw them into the wind, and let life happen instead of forcing it to.

{TSF}

 

The two BF’s (Bestfriends and Boyfriends

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My roommate and I moved last weekend. We have been together for a year and consider each other soul roommates. We have been best friends since we were fourteen but the experience that we have shared living together has made her my family for life. It is of course a big adjustment going from a decent sized house to a two bedroom apartment but we chose a good apartment complex and we are very happy here. The lease we signed was for eleven months which brings me to the next bullet point of…

Was it the right decision to sign an eleven month lease? Things between Michael and I are through the roof amazing and what if we felt we wanted to make a further commitment before that time is up? One of the things we have had many conversations about is when is it a good time to move in together? We have been officially dating for eight months but steadily seeing each other for a year before that. My love for him has exceeded anything that I ever thought was possible and the potential for this to continue to grow more serious is there. I love him, but one thing that I am extremely hesitant about is moving in with someone. What I am about to say would probably really confuse most any one that knows me as I am about the most nonreligious person on this planet but I really feel like I do not want to move in with someone until I am married, or at least until an engagement. This is based on quite a few factors a few of them being:

-I lived with my ex boyfriend for three years and we had previously been together for four before (For, Four, Before oh my!) moving in together and I can say with 100% confidence that he would not have ever married me. If we had not broken up when we did for the reasons we did I would have ended up leaving him because he would not marry me. He got comfortable, had all the benefits of a wife, why would he run right out and get a ring? I really really hate to say it but I fully believe in why buy the cow if you can get the milk for free? I didn’t put that in quotations or site any one as I’m fairly certain I just made that saying entirely up.

-When said ex boyfriend and I broke up it felt as much as I can imagine a divorce would feel like. Besides court fees, hearings and divorce attorney’s what we went through was every bit of a divorce. This month will actually be two years since we have broken up and I am mostly over it however remembering back to the time of complete chaos, virtually being without a home for two months and every single thing that followed still makes my stomach turn and a tear want to escape my eye. It was painful, one of the most painful things I have ever been through and I want to do all I can to protect my heart from the same beating it has took before.The pain almost killed me once and I don’t ever want to go through that again.

-I used to think that it was better to live with a person before you are married to see if you are even compatible living together before you make it permanent, but now having lived through it I have to say I no longer believe that. When you live with a person before you marry them you think that you are actively taking steps to prevent a terrible occurrence such as a divorce because living together can be terminated at mostly any time but you have no idea the pain and the anger and the completely life changing event that this takes on you. When you find the person you want to marry, the person who makes you feel like no one else ever has, the person that you can bare your soul to you’ll know if you can be compatible living together without ever having to give it a test run first.

-I love living with my roommate. I know for a lot of friends moving in together would be the death of any well meaning friendship but it did nothing but bring us closer, make us happier and never want to leave each other. Which would be fine… if neither one of us ever planned on marrying or in her case living with someone as she is not able to get married quite yet in our state but hopefully that will change soon. The reason I signed such a long lease and felt confident in that decision was for her, for us. To not only give myself more time before I possibly commit my life to someone for the long term but to also give her and I at least that, 11 more months. I don’t know what the future has in store as far as this goes but we would prefer to be living on a compound with both of our spouses and children in the future, now we just have to convince the rest of the world that this is socially acceptable and beneficial.

Basically the only arguments I have on the side of living together before marriage is that I am not a structured, rule following person and I believe when it comes to love you need to lead with your heart, live in the moment and do what you know will make you happy. Build strong loving memories that you will either look back on in the arms of each other twenty years from now with pride or look back on from the next chapter that was written in your book with warmness  for something that once brought you so much happiness.

Neither way is wrong and I wish that I had all the right answers to all the questions that would ensure we make this last but I don’t, he doesn’t. So we are left to take it as it comes, act in the moment and put love above anything else. I used to think that love wasn’t enough and really, it isn’t a lot of the time. Not when people use it to hide behind, use love like a shield to protect them from all wrong doing simply because they think that should be enough. No, love is not enough but love is everything and without it your relationship is nothing. You can make changes and work hard to make another person happy, to fulfill their needs but you cannot change anything if the premise of love is no where to be seen.