Several weeks ago when the temperatures had hit triple digits Michael and I searched for relief from the heat in some form of water. I drove down to his mom’s house and he took me to the most amazing little spot off of a nearby river where we had to maneuver our way down the grassy bank to get to the shallow waters below. The day was absolutely beautiful and I will never forget the cool, clear water we sunk ourselves into, the slick moss covered river rocks under our feet, or the closeness I felt to him as we floated quietly next to each other not needing words to entertain ourselves. For most of it I swam topless and we laughed liked we were rebels with no cares in the world.
For the past week I have been living on the edge of a breakdown. Anxious, not sleeping, turning into a bitch that no one wanted to be around, I knew exactly what was going on as I’ve been through the same scenario many times before and so I was unsurprised when I was flung off the edge and thrown into an anxiety attack that threatened not only myself but Michael, and everyone else around me. I haven’t had a breakdown like that in a long time, and quite frankly the way that I treated Michael that night would give him license to walk away and never speak to me again and I couldn’t blame him. But he didn’t.
After his initial anger had subsided some he stayed with me and we talked honestly about what was going on and how we both felt about it. That night as we sat on his back porch under the stars as I cried until my eyes were swollen and painful I got a huge wake up call on how much I love this man and how I will do everything in my power to protect and grow that love. He is so unlike any man I’ve ever been involved with before. He is reassuring and supportive while being firm and unwavering which is something that I am not used to. I am used to being able to manipulate the person I am with to get what I want and being unable to do that with him is both extremely frustrating and so refreshing at the same time.
Michael is one of the most amazing men that I have ever had the pleasure of knowing, let alone sharing a relationship with and each day that goes by our relationship is strengthened. It is such a new experience for me to be in this perpetual process of learning and growing with each other. Since that night on his back porch my chest no longer feels like it is being gripped by a fist of doom, I feel more at peace then I have in too long and while I am obviously still stressed and anxious a renewed sense of hope has taken place in side of me again. I am more relieved then I could ever express.
That night as we laid in bed, him gently snoring next to me I got lost in that day at the river. Looking into his eyes as we stood at opposite ends of the bank brought this feeling that started in my stomach and radiated through my limbs, into my bones. I have found a man that is strong enough to be my rock yet sensitive enough to make my heart swell with happiness. And for that, I think I am pretty damn lucky.