Tag Archives: summer

Down at the river

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Several weeks ago when the temperatures had hit triple digits Michael and I searched for relief from the heat in some form of water. I drove down to his mom’s house and he took me to the most amazing little spot off of a nearby river where we had to maneuver our way down the grassy bank to get to the shallow waters below. The day was absolutely beautiful and I will never forget the cool, clear water we sunk ourselves into, the slick moss covered river rocks under our feet, or the closeness I felt to him as we floated quietly next to each other not needing words to entertain ourselves. For most of it I swam topless and we laughed liked we were rebels with no cares in the world.

For the past week I have been living on the edge of a breakdown. Anxious, not sleeping, turning into a bitch that no one wanted to be around, I knew exactly what was going on as I’ve been through the same scenario many times before and so I was unsurprised when I was flung off the edge and thrown into an anxiety attack that threatened not only myself but Michael, and everyone else around me. I haven’t had a breakdown like that in a long time, and quite frankly the way that I treated Michael that night would give him license to walk away and never speak to me again and I couldn’t blame him. But he didn’t.

After his initial anger had subsided some he stayed with me and we talked honestly about what was going on and how we both felt about it. That night as we sat on his back porch under the stars as I cried until my eyes were swollen and painful I got a huge wake up call on how much I love this man and how I will do everything in my power to protect and grow that love. He is so unlike any man I’ve ever been involved with before. He is reassuring and supportive while being firm and unwavering which is something that I am not used to. I am used to being able to manipulate the person I am with to get what I want and being unable to do that with him is both extremely frustrating and so refreshing at the same time.

Michael is one of the most amazing men that I have ever had the pleasure of knowing, let alone sharing a relationship with and each day that goes by our relationship is strengthened. It is such a new experience for me to be in this perpetual process of learning and growing with each other. Since that night on his back porch my chest no longer feels like it is being gripped by a fist of doom, I feel more at peace then I have in too long and while I am obviously still stressed and anxious a renewed sense of hope has taken place in side of me again. I am more relieved then I could ever express.

That night as we laid in bed, him gently snoring next to me I got lost in that day at the river. Looking into his eyes as we stood at opposite ends of the bank brought this feeling that started in my stomach and radiated through my limbs, into my bones. I have found a man that is strong enough to be my rock yet sensitive enough to make my heart swell with happiness. And for that, I think I am pretty damn lucky.

{TSF}

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1,000 Internets (Music Edition)

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I was driving home today in the cool summer nights air when this song came on the radio. After a shitty day with really no end or solution in sight, when I felt so low and beaten down by life this song was the most perfect thing I could have heard. Since I moved out of the small town I grew up in with the endless deserted back rounds I haven’t gotten to drive without a destination in a long time. Sometimes there is no better comfort you can give yourself then the shelter from your own thoughts driving down a quiet road with nothing but you, your music, and perfect summer night air whipping through your body.

A soul in tension — that’s learning to fly
Condition grounded but determined to try
Can’t keep my eyes from the circling skies
Tongue-tied and twisted just an earth-bound misfit, I

Pink Floyd-Learning to fly

{TSF}

Is it my turn?

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After a long day of sweating a puddle onto my couch, feeling like I was literally melting off of my skeleton I decided to take a late night trip to my best friends house where the plan was to get really stoned and do a little gambling at the casino, you know, a usual Thursday night. However what should have been a lighthearted evening turned into one piece of bad luck after another. On my way to her house as I was driving on the freeway I drove under an overpass that at the exact moment in time a couple of little assholes decided to throw a small boulder off of, which came catapulting down several stories landing on the hood of my car. After I swallowed my heart back into my chest I took my exit and pulled over to survey the damage. Huge dent, covered in scrapes and perfectly aligned to where if I had I had driven by exactly .5 seconds later it would have crashed through my windshield and probably killed me. Great.

Lost my money at the casino. Awesome.

Get back into my car to drive home, headlight is out. COOL.

Today was really all about one blow after another. This whole month has been actually as I’m still recovering from a mysterious illness that landed me in the hospital five days ago, but that I have thankfully almost completely kicked.

Meanwhile my mom calls to tell me totally wonderful news that came through today. News that she has been waiting a long time for that she needs more then anything right now. I couldn’t be happier for her. My roommate just got an awesome promotion that she very much deserves and I am also so happy for her and my other best friend finally found a job that maybe she can enjoy enough to stay in for more then two months. I am happy for everyone but selfishly my subconscious stings just a little bit every time I hear good things happening to those around me while I am still stuck, life unchanged. Of course very shortly after having those feelings I feel immensely guilty for having them as each of these people are good, kind, deserving people who I love more then anything in this world.

“Pray all the time but especially when you are at your most desperate. God has never let me down. I may not have always agreed with his plan, but in the end I saw that it was always the right plan.” These words were from my mother to me today. We are not religious people, I have been to church just a handful of times but my mother has always instilled in me a strong faith. I do believe he is there listening, so I will continue to have hope that soon, my light will come.

I so desperately want to start working again, earning money and feeling useful again. This is really strange for me to be feeling as I have always been comfortable in the fact that I work because I have to not because I want to. I could be unemployed for the rest of my life if I won the lottery and would be perfectly happy until the day I died. But I can’t stand my pockets being empty anymore. There are more people then just myself counting on me and if I fail it is just a domino effect down the ladder and I feel that pressure in my veins each and every day. So tomorrow when the sun rises (or around noon, but who’s counting?) I’ll be back on the trail of each job lead that would be a good fit for me, hoping for the best, waiting for a call. Story of my life…

{TSF}

I’m starting to forget how to even spell the word J.O.B.

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Every day for the past 3 days I have sat down at my computer with the intention of updating this here blog and every day I have procrastinated. And each day after a few hours of web surfing I have closed my computer without even starting said blog post.  I  get like that sometimes, where there are too many thoughts running through my head that breaking them down and organizing them and putting words to them is all but impossible. There is really no way around this but to wait patiently, ask myself if I’m ready yet until finally one day I just am.

Life right now is really all about just doing my best to kick my legs and paddle my arms in a desperate attempt to keep my head above water. We are now on month 4 of the unemployed life which is significant because the last time I was unemployed was for exactly 4 months. The last time I was unemployed I spent oh probably 3 months and 3 1/3 weeks doing nothing, least of all not looking for a job but as soon as I did start looking I got one of the first positions I applied for. This time around I have been sending out a minimum of 20 applications a week for at least 4 weeks now and have received 1 call and 1 interview and since I am still firmly planted on the couch, you can probably guess what the outcome of that was. It is getting increasingly difficult to not get discouraged or scared or frustrated because of the severe lack of response to my resume. Everything I am applying for I am qualified for, in a reasonable distance to my house, and am confident in my ability to do the job based on the initial descriptions but none of that really matters if no one will even give me an interview.

I always used to say that I could be unemployed for the rest of my life and never have a problem with it, and while that still rings true, I am ready to start making money again! To at least attempt to be a productive member of society, to not be indebted to every person around me. As each day goes on I feel a little worse about myself and my inability apparently to keep a job. I need something good to come my way, and while I’m doing my best to wait patiently, I hope it comes soon. If it doesn’t come soon, I am going to seriously need to explore other options, like getting into a trade school that would have me in and out and making a decent paycheck in 6-9 months.

The stress of being unemployed coupled with endless family drama and feeling like I am slipping into a depression that I really want nothing to do with is making it virtually impossible for me to get a good nights sleep. Either I can’t fall asleep, or I can’t stay asleep, or I’m finally sleeping good and then I have a horrendous nightmare that wakes me with a start as I’m dripping with sweat. The core of my well being rests on sleep and if I’m not getting it, every other aspect in my life suffers.

I have been having a row of bad days but this is not what has been common for the past 4 months. In general I have been extremely appreciative of the time I’ve had off. I’ve spent more time writing and reading then I have in a very, very long time. I have been able to spend more quality time with Michael then I have since I was unemployed before, and that was before we were officially dating, and that is something I am very grateful for. I have been allowed time to myself which is something I didn’t have nearly enough of when I was working, as I live with a roommate. Which is never a bad thing as I love her very much, but sometimes to keep a balance within yourself you need some time alone. That is something I will very much miss when I finally do get a job.

Through this all I have really just tried to remind myself every day how it could always be worse. The last time I was unemployed I was living on my own and paying hundreds more in monthly living expenses, and this time if I pinch every penny I can just pay all of my bills for the month which is something I am very thankful for. And I really just want to make sure that I don’t spend too much of my little extended vacation wallowing in self pity, I want to make sure I wake up every morning and remember everything in this life that I have to be grateful for and just take it one day at a time. And if all else fails I hear cam whoring is a very lucrative business.

{TSF}

A Prideful Sunday

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Yesterday was a beautiful day spent in Seattle celebrating some of the people closest to me at the annual PRIDE parade! The weather had been terrible the entire week prior but once Sunday rolled along the clouds parted and we were allowed a few hours of sunshine to laugh and dance and be in the presence of thousands of people supporting the gay community! I have been the past several years and while it has always been an amazing time this year seemed just a little bit more important in the scheme of things given the political events that have been happening very recently. But all in all it was a day filled with familiar traditions and relaxed fun.

The only thing I can say was different about this year as opposed to the last few was that while there are always a few protesters scattered here and there they are usually peaceful and just stand there and hold their stupid signs outside of the parade, but this year they apparently grew a larger set of balls and stood at the entrance of the Seattle center waiting for everyone to pour in. While in previous years I cant remember the protesters ever  even speaking, and the festival goers leaving them alone for the most part, this year there was hate being spewed at each other from both sides. I am in no way defending the protesters or saying what they stand for is acceptable, however they spewed their hate verbally when they were provoked by festival goers spewing their own brand of hate in their direction. I’m also not saying that the way they dealt with the protesters was wrong, everyone handles things differently but in my opinion, by those who are gay or gay supporters spewing hateful words and even throwing things and threatening physical harm they are doing nothing to help their community. If we are disapproving of the way they convey their hate for the gay community, and their views on keeping marriage between only a man and a woman, and if we are promoting Pride as a festival of love and freedom then we are doing nothing but sinking to their level of hatred while using their tactics and in my opinion that is very wrong.

Of course not everyone handled the confrontation the same way there were plenty of Pride patrons peacefully standing close to the protestors with their own signs. I saw quite a few people attempting a calm debates which I think is pretty much useless but more power to them for expressing their displeasure with the actions of those who wish to treat them like second class citizens. I remember looking around at the few young white male protestors and catching eyes with one who couldn’t have been over the age of 18. His father was clearly standing across from him and the boy had such a look of genuine fear in his eyes, his life was being threatened by hundreds of people as he stood there and I just felt for him. Maybe he didn’t want to be there but was forced to, maybe he was gay himself, and maybe he was exactly who he claimed to be but either way it was clear that his actions were not being performed by free will and choice.

All in all the day was wonderful and everyone got a renewed sense of how amazing the city we live in is. There are so many people around the country that have not got to experience such a huge celebration of pride and freedom in their own cities. Hopefully one day that will change and 40 years from now we will be looking back on this attack of human rights with a sigh of relief.

{TSF}

Time well spent

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Things I have accomplished in the 11 weeks I have been unemployed:

-I have watched every episode of Storage Wars, Lockup, Real housewives and Millionaire matchmaker. And I have watched the daytime Roseanne marathons for so many days in a row the episodes have looped around and I am now watching repeat repeats.

-I finished the entire last season of House which ended with snot pouring out of my nose hysterically crying at 2am.

-I have put an enormous amount of time and effort into growing my hair including but not limited to massaging my scalp, using horse shampoo, and talking in a delicate voice to my hair follicles encouraging them to grow like the big grown up hair follicles that they are. So far my mane is noticeably thicker, longer and healthier but I haven’t seen much growth in my tail but it has only been a couple of weeks…

-Smoked my weight in Marijuana (per day)

-Thinking a lot about losing weight and working out although I’m not quite yet ready to move the process along. I’m going to need to put a lot more time in the thinking department before I’m ready for that.

-Spent a whooooole lot of time on the internet, Hey look! A Kitten!

Other then that my days have been filled with keeping the house picked up, smoking and soaking up what little sun we’ve had on the balcony, and sex. A lot of sex. Of course all of this was done after I met the mandatory guidelines for job search as per the requirements listed on page 14 in the booklet for Washington state. All in all I’d say I’ve made fantastic use of the exceptional amounts of free time I have had. In other news Seattle PRIDE is this weekend, fingers crossed for good weather!

{TSF}

Best friends and quiet summer days

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This picture was taken two years ago this summer. Like all of my pictures I look at this and can remember that exact moment that it was taken. I was with my best friend Aaron, the same best friend who had opened his home to me when I had no where else to go. The same best friend that I met through my ex boyfriend and was so concerned that the end of my relationship meant the end of my friendship with someone who meant so much to me, but that never happened. The guy that I was seeing immediately after my breakup had taken me to this hidden spot along the green river just a couple of weeks before I took Aaron there.   This day was a much needed relief from the daily agony that I was dealing with in every aspect of my life. Aaron and I hiked to this spot, claimed two rocks and sat in the silence listening only to the rushing water going on right under our feet. We read for a while and chain smoked talking about life, having one of those conversations that only we could have. I took a lot of pictures that day and this is the only one of the scenery as I typically do not like nature photography.

I haven’t seen Aaron in about a year but we talk almost every day. We have been through so much together and I will always hold him extremely close to my heart. Aaron was a person who saw the real me hidden beneath the lost woman I was trying to be, he gently tried to pull me out of my shell before I ever even knew that I was walking around with said shell wrapped tightly around my neck. He was there for me, he pushed me out of my comfort zone so many times but in such a gentle way that I went with it. A year or two before this picture was taken he was beaten by a group of men while he was walking home from a club on capitol hill. They beat him to the ground spewing every homophobic slur you can think of and only ran away when a couple walked by and scared them off. He went to the hospital and called the next morning telling us what happened, we drove up to Seattle to be with him immediately.  I will never forget the look in his eyes behind the split lip, swollen shut eye and cuts all over. I cried while I cleaned him up and re bandaged him and he cried when he saw I was.

We may not get to see each other very often but I he will always been one of my best friends and I will always be there for him no matter where I am or what I am doing. Aaron was my rock for so many years when I was lost and alone and I have been there for him in the same way. I can say with full confidence that he is a person who helped me turn in to the woman that I am today and I will forever love and cherish him for that.

{TSF}