I’m finally able to blog after weeks with no internet and even though I’ve missed it I have sat here and stared at this screened trying to figure out exactly what to say. What can I say that I haven’t said before?
I can say that August was a challenging month and September has started just as challenging. I was hoping that once September hit things might even out a little bit and maybe even start looking up, however that was just a foolish notion. The stress that I’ve felt wrapped around my neck the past five months has moved into me, through my body, into my bones. I feel lost and I am quickly losing hope.
I can say that I had my birthday at the end of August. The big 24. I laid in my bed the night before my birthday and I thought of what I have at the age of 24. And really, I have nothing. Yes I have a boyfriend, and a family, and my best friends but as far as personal accomplishments the list is pretty short. I am unemployed, I have no family of my own, I have no education, I have no money, I have nothing that I can say look! Look at what I’ve done! The next morning when I woke up, my cable and internet was shut off. Just what I needed.
I can say that as much as I appreciate the support from those around me, if one more person tells me it is going to get better I might punch them. Yes, sure things are going to get better however unless you can tell me a specific date and time I really have no interest in hearing it any more. “It’s just a funk”, “Your going through a hard time, but it will get better!”, “It could be worse!” and yes, while these things are most likely true it is hard to look at this time in my life as just a funk. This time in my life has been hell. It has dragged me through gravel and hung me off a cliff by my neck. It has bruised and beaten my confidence, my self worth, my pride, my integrity. This time has begun to make me turn on myself, to have feelings towards myself that I haven’t had in a very long time. Words from past others resonate in my head and it makes me sick to think that my life has turned this direction once again.
This last month has been hard. One thing after another. Get over one health scare? Here’s another one for you! Have a really awesome promising interview at a place that you would give a kidney to work at? NAH! Just kidding you don’t get the job! Short on money? Go ahead and do something really stupid to make it worse for yourself!
Sometimes when I sit alone at night and reflect on all that’s going on (or not going on) around me I think don’t fight it, because you deserve it. I think, stop trying to fight your genetics, your upbringing this is who your destined to be. I think those people were right, your never going to be anything anyways so why are you trying to fight it so hard? I feel useless, I feel hopeless, I feel like I have nothing to offer anyone.
I can also say though, that of course everything is not all bad. I try to stay positive, God do I try. I try to look ahead, I search for jobs the hardest I can, I don’t let others see me cry, I try with all the strength that I have to improve my situation but it feels like when any one little sliver of hope is dangled in front of my face, it is ripped away faster then course hair in a waxing salon.
Later I will write about good things. Things that have made me smile recently, the people that help me get through the day to day. But today I just want to write this and leave it as true as I can to the way that I am feeling at this moment. At this moment when I feel like maybe the best thing for me to do would be to pack my car and leave this place and every one that I am bringing down in it. When I get to such a low point like this like I said, I turn on myself and I think that my presence is a burden on every one around me. And if theirs anything about these last five months that I hate the most, it is what it has done to me emotionally. Progress, and changes that have been unraveling one by one. I really don’t know much any more, the only thing I do know is I can’t continue like this. I need something, someone, to give me a chance. Give me some hope. Give me the opportunity to prove that I am a hardworking, independent woman who would do anything for those around her. But then that other part of me butts its head back in and whispers in my ear… why do you deserve a chance? Why do you do deserve anything? Nobody owes you a thing.